To Look Back And Know The Future Of Yesterday Then To Use That Knowledge To Light The Way Along The Path Of Today Is To Truly Be Wise

As im sure many will be, our topic for today is that awe inspiring force that poets and songwriters have adorded for so long, Love. Tonight, though I do not feel as bad as last time, I feel quite lonely. There is something about looking out your window and seeing the stars then looking back at your own life that makes oen feel truely alone in the great universe. I suppose I most often wonder why it has to me who is alone and not someone else? Or what the point is of going on with life if you are to be forever alone. It is time like this that I remember the words of Shakespeare and the title of the journal "Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more...." meaning that maybe if I keep giving one more shot something fruitful will come of it. So far this method hasnt worked by I keep hoping. But then again I suppose ive never really given dating a chance either. Normally I get frustrated of having to wait or having to be the one to make the move simply because I was born male. I am by no means a weak man, I stand for myself and my beliefs as strongly as any other man you can name but when it comes to dating and relationships I prefer to share in the responsibility. For once I would like to meet a woman with the backbone to ask me out rather than slink away beneath my glare, look from afar and expect me to notice, or simply flirt then dash any possibilities on the rocks of misery. Many atime Angel has tried to tell me to wait or that im simply better off. But you cant say that unless you stand outside the gates of paradise looking in, to simply stand inside and talk to those outside and say that they are "better off" means nothing to those outside. If I but had a chance at a relationship with someone whom I can talk with and simply be happy with then I know that any troubles that would arise I could simply remove from our way or correct easily enough. To one such as me where I can look at a problem and see it for what it is, not a gargantuan monster, but rather a small pebble in ones shoe then I can simply pluck it out and alls will be well...........and im sounding rather shakespearean tonight.

I would never belittle anothers problem because I realize that even the smallest of problems in a single persons life can seem like a mountain of trouble and having someone tell you its nothing serves only to fuel your anger. But sometimes you cant help but look at others lives and think of solutions for their problems and think how grand it would be to have their lives. Sometimes I look at Angels life this way. Aside from her national guard duties I look at her personal life that she tells me of and the men in her life and I cant help but think, to me, how easily solved such problems are. But then I think that to her these things must seem as daunting as my lonliness and that is the time I feel for her because I know what it is to be intimidated by the events in your own life. I should also mention that I use Angel in many of my references and points in life, because she is diverse enough to fit into many of my topics. Whereas Private Jackass isnt quite that diverse. But I should speak some more about him. The Private and I have been friends, basically, ever since 3rd grade and in all that time we got along really well until about our sophmore to junior years of highschool and then things began to diminish. It was then that I started to do alot of theatre work in the school and community. If anyone has ever been involved with the theatre then they know that all problems in life are amplified by beign around other theatre people because everyone takes life to an extreme and every problem is ten times as large and every pleasure ten times as important, and relationships in the theatre are monsterous. Anyway, I suppose I began to develop this overly serious outlook on life and the Private and I began to argue more and more. It was also here that my relationship with the Ferret, a friend who was a very loyal friend but not always the smartest, ended. The Ferret and I had been friends since Kindergarten and had always gotten along except for small, and sometimes violent, fights. But come highschool the Ferret and I had more and more fights until it finally ended and we stopped speaking. Well the Private was also a mutual fried of both the Ferret's and mine. The Private now had to be friends to both but never all three together. The private and I had more and more arguments about him not being serious enough, which he isnt, and me being overly serious and stressing too much, which I do. You see, the private doesnt like to face up to life, he prefers to act all bold and quietly macho but when a true test of life, friendship, relationships, maturity, or anything fairly serious comes along he simply laughs and says "fuck it" and that is no somethign I can abide by. I tend to take such matters and brush them out of my way, which also isnt facing them, but I think about them and tend to try and fix them, which is technically facing them, but the private wont even try that.

Anyway I'm very tired and I have a meeting with BB, an aquantiance of mine whom Im writing a book for, at 10 in the morning and I need to go get some sleep. If I do not write tomorrow or hte next day then it shall be awhile before my next post. I will be away on some business.

SVS