Quote Of The Day: "It is said an eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent a sentence, to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him with the words, 'And this, too, shall pass away.' How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction!" ~Abraham Lincoln
Truly an inspiring quote from one of the Nations greatest leaders. Thank to all and to each one of the many of you who sent me e-mail in the last few days to tell me how much you support me and how I should let all this nastiness pass, although a few of you were a little harsh in calling Her the names that you did I do agree with you this time and I will not chastize you for it. Most importantly I must do something before I go on with my entry here. Dalamar, I express to you my most sincere apologies but even more so to your wonderful girlfriend. On my knees I apologize and ask forgiveness, sometimes we blind ourselves to truths we dont like. Both of you were MORE than right, especially about that persons acting ability LOL, truly did stink didnt it? Ahh well I hope we can let it be water under the bridge. In truth your girlfriend fits into her clothing just fine and it was Her that bulges out the bottom LOL, you were right about that. Friends all of you were amazingly supportive, I have not recieved even ONE e-mail saying I wasnt totally right in what I said and not one saying anything in her defence. It seems you are all intelligent persons and im happy to have each one of you as readers. In the coming months ahead we will begin to move on with things and get back to exploring ideas and thoughts. But there are others I must address first. Starfire and Starlight the two of you are some of my most staunch supporters I thank you both for that, I bow to the genius of two brilliant women, my betters in life. Lips, you were right all along about her. LMAO Even Wonderboy had her pegged. All of you have my full support in continuing to call me on stupid rash decisions made mroe from the pelvis than the brain LOL. Oh, before I go on, to Her, and she knows who she is as well as any of her supporters, of so very very few there are that are Harlots or tramps of her own kind, you may want to remove your eyes and thoughts from this page, here I rule and here I tolerate only those that I like, all others know how to close the window. That said we move on. I will be back later this week to give you some new thoughts, updates, maybe some more pics when I get them developed. Oh my apologies to those of you viewing the Galleria, I had to remove certain picture because they made me gag looking at them ;-)
SVS
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Friday, January 28, 2005
For The First TIme The Traveler Took Out His Righteous Sword And Raised It In True Defence
Quote Of The Day: "Angels and ministers of grace defend us" -anonymous
Ok, no excuses here and no reasons why I should let go of any foolish thoughts about defence of those who "seem" innocent. It was more than "innocent" shoulder rubs you cheap piece of human waste. Nothing would please me more than for people who have acutal intelligence and fully fledged brains to realize just how much of a waste of human breath you truly are. You are nothing more than a harlot, for lack of a more offensive word, a cheap thrill on a passing evening for someones fancy. Those who would devote themselves to you eternally will realize at some point that you merely touched their fancy for a brief time and you only "seemed" like a good idea. The fact that mankind is fallable is realized in the fact that I could willingly blind and fool myself for so long into not believing what everyone around the both of us was saying. They warned me at every turn, I was privvy to information from those who would have shielded me from things but I chose not to believe in favor that cheap and useless tramps of human beings did not exist behind such professions of innocence. I will not dare give you the dignity of placing any reference of your true name here because you matter that little. When you are raising many many small children still in this hole in the world and have detiriorated into nothing but a fat lump of humanity you will know what you truly are and that no matter how strong your belief in some unseen diety who will never come you will still rott to dust and be scattered to the winds so that this world will have completely forgotten you as so many of us prefer to. I will not give you the dignity of living in my memories, you will be purged from my ever thought and every neuron will have erased you forever. COntinue to write about me if you like, continue to complain but those who read and do not know me will never care whereas these readers, these fully developed intelligent people will know who you are, what you are, and already believe you to be nothing less than some cheap thrill for an unamed person on a drunken night where loyalty meant nothing and adultery meant everything. Trust me when I say that this will happen again, you will falter and succumb to the lust that controls every little thought you have and you will find yourself ALONE AGAIN. You will one day find yourself alone for the last time and you will be layed to rest by two strangers and a priest, all of whom had no idea who you were and have no inkling to care. This is not a curse, I wouldnt give you that, this is fact and a premonition based on the fact that some people never change and that they have placed themselves in an unending circle of infidelity. May whatever great force that helps to control our universe be blessed because it has saved man many of us from making a big mistake and condemed one of us to learn his lesson more than once. But like all the men in your life he will leave you, it starts with parentage and moves all the way down into the relationships of life, no male would ever willingly stay. Dont believe me? Take a look at your life yourself.
SVS
Ok, no excuses here and no reasons why I should let go of any foolish thoughts about defence of those who "seem" innocent. It was more than "innocent" shoulder rubs you cheap piece of human waste. Nothing would please me more than for people who have acutal intelligence and fully fledged brains to realize just how much of a waste of human breath you truly are. You are nothing more than a harlot, for lack of a more offensive word, a cheap thrill on a passing evening for someones fancy. Those who would devote themselves to you eternally will realize at some point that you merely touched their fancy for a brief time and you only "seemed" like a good idea. The fact that mankind is fallable is realized in the fact that I could willingly blind and fool myself for so long into not believing what everyone around the both of us was saying. They warned me at every turn, I was privvy to information from those who would have shielded me from things but I chose not to believe in favor that cheap and useless tramps of human beings did not exist behind such professions of innocence. I will not dare give you the dignity of placing any reference of your true name here because you matter that little. When you are raising many many small children still in this hole in the world and have detiriorated into nothing but a fat lump of humanity you will know what you truly are and that no matter how strong your belief in some unseen diety who will never come you will still rott to dust and be scattered to the winds so that this world will have completely forgotten you as so many of us prefer to. I will not give you the dignity of living in my memories, you will be purged from my ever thought and every neuron will have erased you forever. COntinue to write about me if you like, continue to complain but those who read and do not know me will never care whereas these readers, these fully developed intelligent people will know who you are, what you are, and already believe you to be nothing less than some cheap thrill for an unamed person on a drunken night where loyalty meant nothing and adultery meant everything. Trust me when I say that this will happen again, you will falter and succumb to the lust that controls every little thought you have and you will find yourself ALONE AGAIN. You will one day find yourself alone for the last time and you will be layed to rest by two strangers and a priest, all of whom had no idea who you were and have no inkling to care. This is not a curse, I wouldnt give you that, this is fact and a premonition based on the fact that some people never change and that they have placed themselves in an unending circle of infidelity. May whatever great force that helps to control our universe be blessed because it has saved man many of us from making a big mistake and condemed one of us to learn his lesson more than once. But like all the men in your life he will leave you, it starts with parentage and moves all the way down into the relationships of life, no male would ever willingly stay. Dont believe me? Take a look at your life yourself.
SVS
Monday, January 24, 2005
It Seemed The Traveler Had Given Up On Hoping To Find That Friend On The Same Road Anymore, She Was Merely A Memory Now
Quote Of The Day: "Risk is part of the game if you want to sit in that chair......" ~Captain James T. Kirk (William Shatner, Star Trek: Generations)
Somtimes we spend so much time pursuing a person and trying to win their approval or affection and we put everything we have into doing something for them and then it becomes all too apparent that they really dont understand how much we care, or perhaps they just dont want to know. But then at some point you might just look up from holding your head in your hands or from staring at the ground in sad dissapointment and realize that they arent worth your time if they dont get it. If they cannot see plainly how much you care or what they mean to you in your hearts dearest chamber than they arent worthy of your adoration and ultimately you should just go on and leave them behind to wallow in their sad little world. They may complain how no one wants them, how no one pays attention to them, or even how everyone seems to dissapoint them or abandon them but apparently they cant see when your reaching out to them. Such is the case for me. I tried to help, I tried to offer my affections to someone who wasnt feeling their best but they ignored it. Now im not saying that they cant keep complaining about their situation because they can and its well within their rights but how valid can the complaint be if they were offered a chance to have a friend help them smile? I've had a lot of experieince with depression, growing up aroudn and with it. The most important thing I've learned about it is that sometimes people just want to be depressed and they'll come out of it then theres the people that live in depression, they may smile at times but ultimatley they dont want to be happy because they turn down every chance for happiness. I've got all the time in the world to help a friend, nothing makes me happier than to help someone smile but in this case im done trying to make the connection, to bridge the gap of sielence. Now its Her turn to come to me, not on her knee's begging but just to find me and ask for help because I have worn myself thin trying to bridge that gap alone. I havent done anything wrong yet I have been treated like I am guilty. If She thinks im guilty than she is alone in ehr trial because I know im not and even more to my point is the fact that I am the one whos been doing all the talking her, she's never accused me of anything or asked me how I felt about certain things. Nope, I may not be innocent but im not guilty either.
Now on to better things. A friend of mine, we'll call her Mouse Girl cause she wears glasses and has mousy brown hair and is kinda short, seems to have found herself someone that makes her happy. He seems like a nice guy who just needed to meet a girl who didnt want to mess with his head and screw his emotions over. I've seen him at Dutch Bros a lot, so I guess we can always call him the Coffee Guy. Well now they both work at the same place I do and I am truly glad that they seem to have found one another. I seem them together a lot, Ive seen them go home together. Even in the darkest of places people can still find light. She's good for him because she isnt jealous of every girl that comes along and she doesnt obsess when other girls sit next to him and talk to him, flirt with him, and try to distract his gaze, a gaze that seems only set on her for the moment. But then again, thosee girls arent his type, he has expressed that much in his words and im glad to have helped him make the best decision for him. Hell hath no fury like a woamn scorned? Maybe, but heaven quakes with the fury of a man.
SVS
Somtimes we spend so much time pursuing a person and trying to win their approval or affection and we put everything we have into doing something for them and then it becomes all too apparent that they really dont understand how much we care, or perhaps they just dont want to know. But then at some point you might just look up from holding your head in your hands or from staring at the ground in sad dissapointment and realize that they arent worth your time if they dont get it. If they cannot see plainly how much you care or what they mean to you in your hearts dearest chamber than they arent worthy of your adoration and ultimately you should just go on and leave them behind to wallow in their sad little world. They may complain how no one wants them, how no one pays attention to them, or even how everyone seems to dissapoint them or abandon them but apparently they cant see when your reaching out to them. Such is the case for me. I tried to help, I tried to offer my affections to someone who wasnt feeling their best but they ignored it. Now im not saying that they cant keep complaining about their situation because they can and its well within their rights but how valid can the complaint be if they were offered a chance to have a friend help them smile? I've had a lot of experieince with depression, growing up aroudn and with it. The most important thing I've learned about it is that sometimes people just want to be depressed and they'll come out of it then theres the people that live in depression, they may smile at times but ultimatley they dont want to be happy because they turn down every chance for happiness. I've got all the time in the world to help a friend, nothing makes me happier than to help someone smile but in this case im done trying to make the connection, to bridge the gap of sielence. Now its Her turn to come to me, not on her knee's begging but just to find me and ask for help because I have worn myself thin trying to bridge that gap alone. I havent done anything wrong yet I have been treated like I am guilty. If She thinks im guilty than she is alone in ehr trial because I know im not and even more to my point is the fact that I am the one whos been doing all the talking her, she's never accused me of anything or asked me how I felt about certain things. Nope, I may not be innocent but im not guilty either.
Now on to better things. A friend of mine, we'll call her Mouse Girl cause she wears glasses and has mousy brown hair and is kinda short, seems to have found herself someone that makes her happy. He seems like a nice guy who just needed to meet a girl who didnt want to mess with his head and screw his emotions over. I've seen him at Dutch Bros a lot, so I guess we can always call him the Coffee Guy. Well now they both work at the same place I do and I am truly glad that they seem to have found one another. I seem them together a lot, Ive seen them go home together. Even in the darkest of places people can still find light. She's good for him because she isnt jealous of every girl that comes along and she doesnt obsess when other girls sit next to him and talk to him, flirt with him, and try to distract his gaze, a gaze that seems only set on her for the moment. But then again, thosee girls arent his type, he has expressed that much in his words and im glad to have helped him make the best decision for him. Hell hath no fury like a woamn scorned? Maybe, but heaven quakes with the fury of a man.
SVS
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Just popping in long enough to post the links to my other two sites. I have one new page that is for pictures only. Of course you can still find all my creative writings on http://www.minitia.blogspot.com But now you can find all sorts of fun and interesting pictures on http://www.fromhellsheart.blogspot.com Enjoy and have fun.
SVS
SVS
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Walking Down The Path The Traveler Hoped To Catch Up To His Companion Soon For He Had Missed Her Company
Quote Of The Day: "Don't screw up the best thing in your life just because your a little unsure of who you are." ~Family Man (movie) 2000
Hello all, welcome to another session of madness from he who dwells within the heart of insanity. Before you begin to ask yourself, yes I am still depressed, heart broken, and low as ever but I am coming to some understandings that may help. New possibilities have come to my attention and, as this is MY blog and I decide what to write and who about then I shall. First I still recognize that it was my fault to have tried to develop something more than friendship with Her, I acknowledge my mistake and accept the consequences but before some of you jump to forgone conclusions lets, instead, see if I had much of a choice. Without putting too fina a point on any one thing we shall analyze the evidence that points to the object of my esteemed affections being nothing more than a harlot who's true worth as a comrade, confidant, and friend is no more higher than her knowedge fo yours truly......or her caring. But lets do this methodically, shall we?
Lets start with what friends should and should not do to one another if even one of them wants to remain TOTALLY platonic. StarLight, my dear, take no offense as I shall use you and I as an example. Both Starlight and I once shared a minor attraction to one another. At the time I didnt reciprocate her attraction to me but I did value her as a friend. Can anyone tell me what I should have avoided doing to encourage false feelings in her? 1) Intimate Physical contact, i.e. massages, neck rubs, intimate hugging, ect. 2)Anything that could be mis-construed as romantically misleading, i.e singing to her, any saying of "I love you" no matter the meaning, excessive flattery 3) Mentioning of attraction to other, i.e. speaking too much about other women that I am attracted to UNLESS asked first. Now one might ask why avoid these things. Because it would only serve to mislead and hurt her and as a friend I certainly dont want to mislead and NEVER hurt her. I didnt do those things, I still dont, because I am INTELLIGENT enough not to, because I dont want her to be hurt in any way. Next on our evidence list is that I am only 1 of the MANY MANY men that she has done this with. I wont fo into details about the other things she has done with a *cough* friend of mine that both wounded me and made me jealous more than I ever have been but suffice it to say its a long list and there is only so many hours in the year/day/month.
Third, and this is the one that wounds me to the very core of my existence, the thing I almost cant forgive. I can easily dismiss everything else were it not for this. She failed in her duty as an "alleged" friend to keep me or even make me feel like I mean ANYTHING TO HER. If she, or any friend, told me ther were going to purge me from their midn because my memory and thoughts of me caused them to much distress then I would want to talk it over, help them, reverse any damage done or basically do whatever I could to make up for it. But I was not given such considerations. This is a two way street and though I am strong in spirit and determined to keep it alive I cannot do it on my own and it is foolish to try.
It should be taken to note that the above was written on a long night at work when I was bitter and not the least bit happy. It was only last night that I found that Birthday Card and I was reminded of how much can be lost with stupid actoins of BOTH sides. I took all the blame unto myself that would be equally as foolish, but I do acknowledge some of it. But im afraid this time I take less than half but I am still seeking forgiveness none the less. For what is life if we cannot "Once More Unto The Fray"?
SVS
Hello all, welcome to another session of madness from he who dwells within the heart of insanity. Before you begin to ask yourself, yes I am still depressed, heart broken, and low as ever but I am coming to some understandings that may help. New possibilities have come to my attention and, as this is MY blog and I decide what to write and who about then I shall. First I still recognize that it was my fault to have tried to develop something more than friendship with Her, I acknowledge my mistake and accept the consequences but before some of you jump to forgone conclusions lets, instead, see if I had much of a choice. Without putting too fina a point on any one thing we shall analyze the evidence that points to the object of my esteemed affections being nothing more than a harlot who's true worth as a comrade, confidant, and friend is no more higher than her knowedge fo yours truly......or her caring. But lets do this methodically, shall we?
Lets start with what friends should and should not do to one another if even one of them wants to remain TOTALLY platonic. StarLight, my dear, take no offense as I shall use you and I as an example. Both Starlight and I once shared a minor attraction to one another. At the time I didnt reciprocate her attraction to me but I did value her as a friend. Can anyone tell me what I should have avoided doing to encourage false feelings in her? 1) Intimate Physical contact, i.e. massages, neck rubs, intimate hugging, ect. 2)Anything that could be mis-construed as romantically misleading, i.e singing to her, any saying of "I love you" no matter the meaning, excessive flattery 3) Mentioning of attraction to other, i.e. speaking too much about other women that I am attracted to UNLESS asked first. Now one might ask why avoid these things. Because it would only serve to mislead and hurt her and as a friend I certainly dont want to mislead and NEVER hurt her. I didnt do those things, I still dont, because I am INTELLIGENT enough not to, because I dont want her to be hurt in any way. Next on our evidence list is that I am only 1 of the MANY MANY men that she has done this with. I wont fo into details about the other things she has done with a *cough* friend of mine that both wounded me and made me jealous more than I ever have been but suffice it to say its a long list and there is only so many hours in the year/day/month.
Third, and this is the one that wounds me to the very core of my existence, the thing I almost cant forgive. I can easily dismiss everything else were it not for this. She failed in her duty as an "alleged" friend to keep me or even make me feel like I mean ANYTHING TO HER. If she, or any friend, told me ther were going to purge me from their midn because my memory and thoughts of me caused them to much distress then I would want to talk it over, help them, reverse any damage done or basically do whatever I could to make up for it. But I was not given such considerations. This is a two way street and though I am strong in spirit and determined to keep it alive I cannot do it on my own and it is foolish to try.
It should be taken to note that the above was written on a long night at work when I was bitter and not the least bit happy. It was only last night that I found that Birthday Card and I was reminded of how much can be lost with stupid actoins of BOTH sides. I took all the blame unto myself that would be equally as foolish, but I do acknowledge some of it. But im afraid this time I take less than half but I am still seeking forgiveness none the less. For what is life if we cannot "Once More Unto The Fray"?
SVS
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Continuing Down The Road The Traveler Pulled His Hood Up And Ignored The Pain Of The Past
Quote Of The Day: "Life is the future, not the past." ~Wizard's Seventh Rule
At certain times in ones life one needs to remind themselves of exactly who they are and where they came from, and most importantly, where they are going. SO for your reading pleasure I present to you, Myself:
I am Shawn Vincent Stengar, a Gemini born May the 23rd of 1983 in Coos Bay, Oregon. Son to Johanna May Warner and Gary Gail Stengar, brother to Laurie Ann Bjorkquist and Cindi Michelle Stengar. I grew up in Sumner Oregon on a small farm style house in the countryside outside Coos Bay/North Bend. I was raised by my GrandMother Frances Bjorkquist, my Grandfather John Bjorkquist, my Mother, and my Aunt Anna Bjorkquist. At no time in my life did I ever not feel loved by my family. I have always been surrounded by friends and family. I have been called many things and seen as many things but at heart I have and always will be a decent loving person. Never, in my life, have I ever subscribed to one religion and never have closed my mind to the possibilities of life after death. I come from a warm and wonderful loving family, I stand now inbetween the past and the future. My aim for the future is to be a teacher of literature and writing so that future generations may understand that literature is more than just words on a page adn writing is more than just spelling correctly and being grammatically correct. In every way do I look for love and I believe in the power of mankind above all other things. Despite the wicked thigns we do, the terrible pain we inflict on other, I believe that no God or or "supposed" "Higher" being will ever be able to equal our ingenuity, strength, courage, brilliance, or the greatness that endures with the legacy of mankind. I am an admirer of women, no more perfect being could have been created. I dont believe any woman sits higher than me, no woman I have ever cared for has been anything more than my equal and certainly nothing less. This is who I am.
SVS
At certain times in ones life one needs to remind themselves of exactly who they are and where they came from, and most importantly, where they are going. SO for your reading pleasure I present to you, Myself:
I am Shawn Vincent Stengar, a Gemini born May the 23rd of 1983 in Coos Bay, Oregon. Son to Johanna May Warner and Gary Gail Stengar, brother to Laurie Ann Bjorkquist and Cindi Michelle Stengar. I grew up in Sumner Oregon on a small farm style house in the countryside outside Coos Bay/North Bend. I was raised by my GrandMother Frances Bjorkquist, my Grandfather John Bjorkquist, my Mother, and my Aunt Anna Bjorkquist. At no time in my life did I ever not feel loved by my family. I have always been surrounded by friends and family. I have been called many things and seen as many things but at heart I have and always will be a decent loving person. Never, in my life, have I ever subscribed to one religion and never have closed my mind to the possibilities of life after death. I come from a warm and wonderful loving family, I stand now inbetween the past and the future. My aim for the future is to be a teacher of literature and writing so that future generations may understand that literature is more than just words on a page adn writing is more than just spelling correctly and being grammatically correct. In every way do I look for love and I believe in the power of mankind above all other things. Despite the wicked thigns we do, the terrible pain we inflict on other, I believe that no God or or "supposed" "Higher" being will ever be able to equal our ingenuity, strength, courage, brilliance, or the greatness that endures with the legacy of mankind. I am an admirer of women, no more perfect being could have been created. I dont believe any woman sits higher than me, no woman I have ever cared for has been anything more than my equal and certainly nothing less. This is who I am.
SVS
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Something Dark Stirred Within The Traveler, A Power And Understanding That He Felt Thrum With Energy Deep Down Inside Him
Quote Of The Day: "...'Faithfulness is not a quality I admire in you, Christine. Desire is only a demon, Christine. hell is getting what you desire.' ........... 'He sold his soul to the devil so the world would love him for his talent. The devil had a price. He mutilated his face so terribly, that no one could stand to love him ever again.'..." ~The Phantom Of The Opera (1989 by Andrew Loyd Webber)
One of my first loves, as theatre is concerned, was the Phantom Of The Opera. This was the very first play that I ever remember seeing and it captivated me in a way not many things or people can. Something about the music stirs the soul, and inspires the mind for great things in me. Much about this perfect piece of theatre shows us the grey area inbetween good and evil, it shows us that they are nto so blakc and white but that sometimes in life the dark grey can actually be a more powerful force and a better friend than the white or ligt grey can ever aspire to be. The Phantom has long been a hero of mine, a hero who does not ride on a whiote horse or wear that perfect armor but rather choose to cloak himself in darkness and strike out at the zealous light and teach it what is truly divine. I am now waking from my sadness and I feel it slipping away into a void of nothingness where I feel nothing but pride and power. It is here that I see what the world is in a different light. Yes the world is cruel, yes the world is a horrid selfish place where we toil to our own ends andyes it is filled with darkness so deep that there is no bottom to it. But that does not mean the world does not hold great beauty for those who wish to open their eyes, or can provide great amounts of confidence and power in the one who dares to touch that power. Out of the ashes of this failure I will pick myself up and dust myself off, I will forget her and she will eventually slip from my conscious memory to be hidden away in the recesses of my mind. I see now that this is the only way and I do not deny my heart yearning and burning to hang onto her with all its strength and its might but my mind and my conviction to do what I must is stronger and the heart will be forced to learn that it will heal if given time and if it chooses to forget her. This is nothing against her, it is just that I cannot bare to see her with another and see that lowly unworthy worm of a man not realize the great love that he has before him, in a different world and a different time I would have rose from my fallen position and taken him into my hands and watched as he realized just how unworthy he was, but the world has changed and things are not as they once were. Now instead of being the hero to ride in on his white horse clad in his gleaming silver armor I instead choose to play the darker hero who wears black robes and holds a staff rather than sword, the Gods know that if she called that I would I would return on my black horse in my dark robes and be every bit the hero but eventually even that thinking will be forced from me in favor of a much grander change in myself. In this world my only passion will eventually be my writing, already it begins to well within me and fill the dark corners. For now I watch as my heart reaches out to those around me, seeking comfort in its horrid misery and I do not deny it access to them for it may help it to heal and eventually understand but as time goes by it will learn that only creative art through writing can fill its passion, that only the characters it creates through the stroke of the pen can possibly fill its expectations that the people in reality cannot. By falling and failing this time I have stumbled upon a greater understanding of my purpose. THough I still wallow in misery from having to seperate myself from a woman who is my idea of a person I could love forever and show her "A Whole New World" I know that eventually she will fade from my memory and my gradeur and divinity will love on forever in my words, the love that would have beenr eserved for hers will pour outward into my writing and people will cease to matter. This is my goal, my masterwork, my doctorine, my credo, and my life renewed.
SVS
One of my first loves, as theatre is concerned, was the Phantom Of The Opera. This was the very first play that I ever remember seeing and it captivated me in a way not many things or people can. Something about the music stirs the soul, and inspires the mind for great things in me. Much about this perfect piece of theatre shows us the grey area inbetween good and evil, it shows us that they are nto so blakc and white but that sometimes in life the dark grey can actually be a more powerful force and a better friend than the white or ligt grey can ever aspire to be. The Phantom has long been a hero of mine, a hero who does not ride on a whiote horse or wear that perfect armor but rather choose to cloak himself in darkness and strike out at the zealous light and teach it what is truly divine. I am now waking from my sadness and I feel it slipping away into a void of nothingness where I feel nothing but pride and power. It is here that I see what the world is in a different light. Yes the world is cruel, yes the world is a horrid selfish place where we toil to our own ends andyes it is filled with darkness so deep that there is no bottom to it. But that does not mean the world does not hold great beauty for those who wish to open their eyes, or can provide great amounts of confidence and power in the one who dares to touch that power. Out of the ashes of this failure I will pick myself up and dust myself off, I will forget her and she will eventually slip from my conscious memory to be hidden away in the recesses of my mind. I see now that this is the only way and I do not deny my heart yearning and burning to hang onto her with all its strength and its might but my mind and my conviction to do what I must is stronger and the heart will be forced to learn that it will heal if given time and if it chooses to forget her. This is nothing against her, it is just that I cannot bare to see her with another and see that lowly unworthy worm of a man not realize the great love that he has before him, in a different world and a different time I would have rose from my fallen position and taken him into my hands and watched as he realized just how unworthy he was, but the world has changed and things are not as they once were. Now instead of being the hero to ride in on his white horse clad in his gleaming silver armor I instead choose to play the darker hero who wears black robes and holds a staff rather than sword, the Gods know that if she called that I would I would return on my black horse in my dark robes and be every bit the hero but eventually even that thinking will be forced from me in favor of a much grander change in myself. In this world my only passion will eventually be my writing, already it begins to well within me and fill the dark corners. For now I watch as my heart reaches out to those around me, seeking comfort in its horrid misery and I do not deny it access to them for it may help it to heal and eventually understand but as time goes by it will learn that only creative art through writing can fill its passion, that only the characters it creates through the stroke of the pen can possibly fill its expectations that the people in reality cannot. By falling and failing this time I have stumbled upon a greater understanding of my purpose. THough I still wallow in misery from having to seperate myself from a woman who is my idea of a person I could love forever and show her "A Whole New World" I know that eventually she will fade from my memory and my gradeur and divinity will love on forever in my words, the love that would have beenr eserved for hers will pour outward into my writing and people will cease to matter. This is my goal, my masterwork, my doctorine, my credo, and my life renewed.
SVS
Monday, January 10, 2005
The Rain Began Again, A Freezing Rain That Matched The Travelers Demeanor
Quote Of The Day: I have no idea to this day what those two Italian ladies were singing about. Truth is, I don't want to know. Some things are better left unsaid. I'd like to think they were singing about something so beautiful it can't expressed in words, and it makes your heart ache because of it. I tell you, those voices soared higher and farther than anybody in a grey place dares to dream. It was as if some beautiful bird had flapped into our drab little cage and made these walls dissolve away, and for the briefest of moments, every last man in Shawshank felt free. ~Red (played by Morgan Freeman in The Shawshank Redemption)
There are times in life when you will seem to have no control over yourself, your feelings, your heart and even though those times seem like they may well rip you apart and devour every inch of who you are in the years to come you will look back on those times and just feel glad that for that time you felt life you felt alive and if nothing else at least you could feel. Tonight as I walked home in the cold and the dark I came to the realization that I value my tears these days, I value the pain and the heartache because with every new failure and every lost love I feel less and less, im afraid that soon I will feel nothing. This latest failure has hit me the hardest, if I were a ship id be listeing, my hull damaged and half my crew injured. What I need the most right now is a port in the storm, a safe haven to moore and make repairs before I take on too much water and join those lost beneath the waves. But for all the great pain, all the immense heartache, and the terrible agony of the soul that continues to hit me in new and worse waves I am grateful for the inspiration in writing here. Additionally I am reading Terry Goodkind's newest book Chainfire, and I feel each and every sad moment the charcters experience. Mores the pitty though that I cannot feel the joy of their love. One cannot truly know the joy of love unless he has had it then lost it, I never had it to begin with. Take this time, my dearest readers, to lavish yourselves in the sorrowful joy of my inspired words for they seem to come only when my soul has blackened and my heart shrunk.
SVS
There are times in life when you will seem to have no control over yourself, your feelings, your heart and even though those times seem like they may well rip you apart and devour every inch of who you are in the years to come you will look back on those times and just feel glad that for that time you felt life you felt alive and if nothing else at least you could feel. Tonight as I walked home in the cold and the dark I came to the realization that I value my tears these days, I value the pain and the heartache because with every new failure and every lost love I feel less and less, im afraid that soon I will feel nothing. This latest failure has hit me the hardest, if I were a ship id be listeing, my hull damaged and half my crew injured. What I need the most right now is a port in the storm, a safe haven to moore and make repairs before I take on too much water and join those lost beneath the waves. But for all the great pain, all the immense heartache, and the terrible agony of the soul that continues to hit me in new and worse waves I am grateful for the inspiration in writing here. Additionally I am reading Terry Goodkind's newest book Chainfire, and I feel each and every sad moment the charcters experience. Mores the pitty though that I cannot feel the joy of their love. One cannot truly know the joy of love unless he has had it then lost it, I never had it to begin with. Take this time, my dearest readers, to lavish yourselves in the sorrowful joy of my inspired words for they seem to come only when my soul has blackened and my heart shrunk.
SVS
As The Traveler Moved Down The New Path He Suddenly Remembered Why He Had Chosen The Other, The Pain Here Was Terrible And He Felt More Alone
Quote Of The Day: "Don't let her hug you, don't let yourself be convinced to give her a massage or hang out or call and sing her to sleep. Before modern medicine, when someone was wounded, they used to have to burn the wound to killl off the infections, and that would often hurt more than the wound in the first place, but it was necessary to save the life." ~A Wise Friend
This probably falls more under the category of good advice but I think it fits as a quote somehow. At first I didnt agree because I was too unhappy and foolish to not see the wisdom but now with a heavy heart and with eyes that have seen too much I recognize the intelligence in this rather harsh advice. The problem with following it by myself was that one cannot burn themselves to remove an infection, they must be aided by others. So now I have enlisted the help of friends to rid me of the disease that clouds my thoughts and my mind. One can only stand so much before they know they must admit to having a weakness that is tearing them apart and though I dearly love my strongest weakeness it must end. In life we all make sacrifices, and perhaps this could have been avoided but we should not dwell on what could have been we must deal with the here and now. Should I have encouraged more intamacy? Yes, most definately for it is because I didnt that I find myself where im at. So more than anything, what hurts the most? The jealousy of not having what others dont fully realize quite the treasure that they have, its destroying my heart and poisoning my mind. Is this over dramatic? Yes, and it should be. Life is not some pale and stagnant thing, life is drama and everything that comes with it. I am tired of the drama but I realize that this is just the way it is and its better to face it head on. I am tired but there isnt time yet to rest. I got over the other failures that I gambled on and lost, why should this be different? Because I cared more for this loss than any other. I wont be tossing the dice again soon, I just pray that I will again at all. The time has truly come at last to leave, to raise myself out of the pool I have grown to large for and seek out a larger pond. I am sad that I cannot still maintain a working and loving friendship that I wanted so much to be more, but it hurts to much to watch someone else in the place I wish to be and I hope that can be understood. It is another of my failures to be placed upon the mantle of things gone wrong and mis understood signals. Am I depressed? Yes but that is a part of life and eventually I will grow beyond it but for now the coulds have gathered around me to hide me from view and I cannot deny liking it.
SVS
This probably falls more under the category of good advice but I think it fits as a quote somehow. At first I didnt agree because I was too unhappy and foolish to not see the wisdom but now with a heavy heart and with eyes that have seen too much I recognize the intelligence in this rather harsh advice. The problem with following it by myself was that one cannot burn themselves to remove an infection, they must be aided by others. So now I have enlisted the help of friends to rid me of the disease that clouds my thoughts and my mind. One can only stand so much before they know they must admit to having a weakness that is tearing them apart and though I dearly love my strongest weakeness it must end. In life we all make sacrifices, and perhaps this could have been avoided but we should not dwell on what could have been we must deal with the here and now. Should I have encouraged more intamacy? Yes, most definately for it is because I didnt that I find myself where im at. So more than anything, what hurts the most? The jealousy of not having what others dont fully realize quite the treasure that they have, its destroying my heart and poisoning my mind. Is this over dramatic? Yes, and it should be. Life is not some pale and stagnant thing, life is drama and everything that comes with it. I am tired of the drama but I realize that this is just the way it is and its better to face it head on. I am tired but there isnt time yet to rest. I got over the other failures that I gambled on and lost, why should this be different? Because I cared more for this loss than any other. I wont be tossing the dice again soon, I just pray that I will again at all. The time has truly come at last to leave, to raise myself out of the pool I have grown to large for and seek out a larger pond. I am sad that I cannot still maintain a working and loving friendship that I wanted so much to be more, but it hurts to much to watch someone else in the place I wish to be and I hope that can be understood. It is another of my failures to be placed upon the mantle of things gone wrong and mis understood signals. Am I depressed? Yes but that is a part of life and eventually I will grow beyond it but for now the coulds have gathered around me to hide me from view and I cannot deny liking it.
SVS
Friday, January 07, 2005
A Stiff And Truthful Wind Blew Off The Black Cloak Covering The Figure Of The Traveler To Give Him Understanding, For The First Time He Turned Around
Adendem to the title: For The First Time The Traveler Turned Around And Walked Back Along The Path, Choosing the Other Fork Instead, Hoping That The Person Wandering That Path Would Still Allow Him To Travel Along The Path With Her
Quote Of The Day- "You dont know exactly what youve had until its gone and you find yourself longing for it in every way." ~Historical Anonymous
How simple life once seemed through the eyes of childhood, how easy to tell was good from evil, black from white, right from wrong, and how profoundly simple was love. Many of us long for those simple times and think back with fondness on those childhood experiences. Think back to those precious times when all you had to do to know if someone had romantic feelings was to write a note with a "yes" or "no" box to check ogg. But now its become complicated and conviluted, lust blinds us, fear of intamacy or fears of being alone seperate us from those we would love and bind us to those we no longer as strongly for. What might have been love is whittled away to a mere feeling of fleeting affection and foolish loyalty fueled by fear of being alone. Heroes and Heriones exist all around us but in our fear we choose not to see them and refuse to believe we can ever be saved, ever be happy, or ever be redeemed. Soon we even begin to distort the very meaning and image of love. So far have we fallen that that same fleeting affection is now deemed to be "love" itself, and the intense, passionate, burning desire, and nervous feelings of passion are nothing but mere myth and heresay. Two or three generations of MTV watches and pop-culturists took centuries and centuries of divine culture full of beauty and love and degraded it into music videos full of fake people and meaningless noise. This is the world we live in now, the world that threatens to destroy the things that I value the most and forget them amongst the confusion of its idiocy. But before the roar of a mindless crowd and a rising generation of zombies I still stand and I will be damned and struck dead by the hand of some foolish god before I let the feelings of love and beauty die.
Untitled Poem
"Sea of flowing fire
ever rising current of desire
waves of heat crest upon shores of valiant loins
while Godly stamina imbued with Godly lust,
make for creative art when used with loving trust.
Venus rises high in blood red eastern sky
as western winds whisper of northern lies
sent from the mind above to the soul below
so icy logic may squelch heated passions burning glow.
But the mind knows its limits and submits to its masters above
for even logic must bow before the might, the light, of love.
~Shawn Vincent Stengar 2005
Untitled Poem
Romance, love, lust, desire
words to inspire the mind, to set the soul on fire,
Words to live by, to worship up on high
to praise, to carry on, to raise the spirit to the sky.
Forget the cowardly and the foolish who's spirits never feel the flight,
who are of pedestals because of fear of height.
Never fear to place your love, your lover, and friends far out of reach
for then the soul will "Once More Unto The Breach".
If still you are anything less than convinced
then from the poet to the reader, let your soul become inscensed
and let these words from Dylan Thomas inspire your heart to fight
"...rage, rage against the dying of the light...".
Feel the passion sweilling in your veins,
quickly becoming indistinquishable from pressures, pleasures, and pains.
Take all the world for your preformance stage,
give the audience a hell of a show and if it lasts an hour then let it last an age.
This world is yours to claim for your very own
but remember when you play, its not half as fun to play alone.
~Shawn Vincent Stengar
Tonight I was talking to an old friend and I have been recieving e-mails from another good old friend and though their opionins and adivce differ a little since was is a worldly intellectual and the other a heartfelt soldier of life, but their words inspired me to change my mind and rescend a decision. Id tell you more but its intensely personal and above all, very important to my life.
SVS
Quote Of The Day- "You dont know exactly what youve had until its gone and you find yourself longing for it in every way." ~Historical Anonymous
How simple life once seemed through the eyes of childhood, how easy to tell was good from evil, black from white, right from wrong, and how profoundly simple was love. Many of us long for those simple times and think back with fondness on those childhood experiences. Think back to those precious times when all you had to do to know if someone had romantic feelings was to write a note with a "yes" or "no" box to check ogg. But now its become complicated and conviluted, lust blinds us, fear of intamacy or fears of being alone seperate us from those we would love and bind us to those we no longer as strongly for. What might have been love is whittled away to a mere feeling of fleeting affection and foolish loyalty fueled by fear of being alone. Heroes and Heriones exist all around us but in our fear we choose not to see them and refuse to believe we can ever be saved, ever be happy, or ever be redeemed. Soon we even begin to distort the very meaning and image of love. So far have we fallen that that same fleeting affection is now deemed to be "love" itself, and the intense, passionate, burning desire, and nervous feelings of passion are nothing but mere myth and heresay. Two or three generations of MTV watches and pop-culturists took centuries and centuries of divine culture full of beauty and love and degraded it into music videos full of fake people and meaningless noise. This is the world we live in now, the world that threatens to destroy the things that I value the most and forget them amongst the confusion of its idiocy. But before the roar of a mindless crowd and a rising generation of zombies I still stand and I will be damned and struck dead by the hand of some foolish god before I let the feelings of love and beauty die.
Untitled Poem
"Sea of flowing fire
ever rising current of desire
waves of heat crest upon shores of valiant loins
while Godly stamina imbued with Godly lust,
make for creative art when used with loving trust.
Venus rises high in blood red eastern sky
as western winds whisper of northern lies
sent from the mind above to the soul below
so icy logic may squelch heated passions burning glow.
But the mind knows its limits and submits to its masters above
for even logic must bow before the might, the light, of love.
~Shawn Vincent Stengar 2005
Untitled Poem
Romance, love, lust, desire
words to inspire the mind, to set the soul on fire,
Words to live by, to worship up on high
to praise, to carry on, to raise the spirit to the sky.
Forget the cowardly and the foolish who's spirits never feel the flight,
who are of pedestals because of fear of height.
Never fear to place your love, your lover, and friends far out of reach
for then the soul will "Once More Unto The Breach".
If still you are anything less than convinced
then from the poet to the reader, let your soul become inscensed
and let these words from Dylan Thomas inspire your heart to fight
"...rage, rage against the dying of the light...".
Feel the passion sweilling in your veins,
quickly becoming indistinquishable from pressures, pleasures, and pains.
Take all the world for your preformance stage,
give the audience a hell of a show and if it lasts an hour then let it last an age.
This world is yours to claim for your very own
but remember when you play, its not half as fun to play alone.
~Shawn Vincent Stengar
Tonight I was talking to an old friend and I have been recieving e-mails from another good old friend and though their opionins and adivce differ a little since was is a worldly intellectual and the other a heartfelt soldier of life, but their words inspired me to change my mind and rescend a decision. Id tell you more but its intensely personal and above all, very important to my life.
SVS
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Hidden Beneath The Cloak Of Darkeness The Traveler Continued On, Taking The Left At The Fork In The Road, Swerving Away From The Path Of Angels
Quote Of The Day: "Without change, something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken." ~Frank Herbert (author of Dune)
An intelligent man and a brilliant author Frank Herbert. Here we see truth in some of its finest words. I believe Mr. Herbert is attempting to tell us that we should no sleep through life, we should be awake and willing to see it for all the different changes that may come along the paths of life, be they good or bad. Lately some of you have come to know about a change along my path and then some of you may not know. In either case it doesnt matter, those who know are meant to know and those of you who do not know do not need to. The point is that we each must choose our paths and in order to walk those paths we must be willing to accept change and take chances. Well I took a chance and I accepted the change that would come of it, no matter if the outcome was good or bad I would accept that change, and I got my outcome. It wasnt the one I was hoping for but none the less I accept this change but I feel I should offer a piece of advice to my dear readers. Be wary when to you gamble and be ready to accept loss, try not to gamble with something very precious unless your prepared to part with it. I wasnt thrilled about having to part with something I know I have to but I'm doing it and I'm doing it because to have it near to me, to look upon it and be close to it causes more pain than losing it. Time will heal all wounds, including this one, but keeping this most dearest and precious thing near me will never allow my wound to heal thus I must part with it. I know that some of you dont agree with it and that soem of you do but the fact is it isnt your decision and you dont know what it is to make THIS decision because its me making it and it all but kills me. You should believe me though, when I say that the positive outcome was well worth the gamble and the entire world could nto have offered a more pleasing or more tempting offer as what would have been if my gamble would have worked.
As to my last entry, well I was rather angry at the time and those of you know of the reason know that I was justified at the time. But as all things do, the anger died and reason came into my mind. Yes, it is my mind who is once again ruling my body and not my heart. For now my heart is layed to its rest for healing and rejuvination. Until such time as my heart can heal itself and regain strength my mind shall rule as it once did. This means that for now romance and passion shall take a backseat to balance, logic, and above all knowledge. No it doesnt mean I dont care or that I do not invite each and everyone of you to share your problems with me because I do care and I shall endeavor to help anyone who needs it. And just for one persons reference, this does mean EVERYONE, though it may cause me harm to have someone near I would never turn her away and wouldnt think twice about rushing in to help with anything. But truly, if music is the food of love than I'm afriad right now that my record player is broken and it will take time to repair it. But again, I gladly pay this price for having the opportunity to win such a prize as great as the treasure I sought, for nothing could seem as sweet or as dear as it does and did. The point is that I had my chance and even though I didnt win, it was worth just that chance.
SVS
An intelligent man and a brilliant author Frank Herbert. Here we see truth in some of its finest words. I believe Mr. Herbert is attempting to tell us that we should no sleep through life, we should be awake and willing to see it for all the different changes that may come along the paths of life, be they good or bad. Lately some of you have come to know about a change along my path and then some of you may not know. In either case it doesnt matter, those who know are meant to know and those of you who do not know do not need to. The point is that we each must choose our paths and in order to walk those paths we must be willing to accept change and take chances. Well I took a chance and I accepted the change that would come of it, no matter if the outcome was good or bad I would accept that change, and I got my outcome. It wasnt the one I was hoping for but none the less I accept this change but I feel I should offer a piece of advice to my dear readers. Be wary when to you gamble and be ready to accept loss, try not to gamble with something very precious unless your prepared to part with it. I wasnt thrilled about having to part with something I know I have to but I'm doing it and I'm doing it because to have it near to me, to look upon it and be close to it causes more pain than losing it. Time will heal all wounds, including this one, but keeping this most dearest and precious thing near me will never allow my wound to heal thus I must part with it. I know that some of you dont agree with it and that soem of you do but the fact is it isnt your decision and you dont know what it is to make THIS decision because its me making it and it all but kills me. You should believe me though, when I say that the positive outcome was well worth the gamble and the entire world could nto have offered a more pleasing or more tempting offer as what would have been if my gamble would have worked.
As to my last entry, well I was rather angry at the time and those of you know of the reason know that I was justified at the time. But as all things do, the anger died and reason came into my mind. Yes, it is my mind who is once again ruling my body and not my heart. For now my heart is layed to its rest for healing and rejuvination. Until such time as my heart can heal itself and regain strength my mind shall rule as it once did. This means that for now romance and passion shall take a backseat to balance, logic, and above all knowledge. No it doesnt mean I dont care or that I do not invite each and everyone of you to share your problems with me because I do care and I shall endeavor to help anyone who needs it. And just for one persons reference, this does mean EVERYONE, though it may cause me harm to have someone near I would never turn her away and wouldnt think twice about rushing in to help with anything. But truly, if music is the food of love than I'm afriad right now that my record player is broken and it will take time to repair it. But again, I gladly pay this price for having the opportunity to win such a prize as great as the treasure I sought, for nothing could seem as sweet or as dear as it does and did. The point is that I had my chance and even though I didnt win, it was worth just that chance.
SVS
Monday, January 03, 2005
Thicker And Darker Than The Very Soul Of Midnight, A Darkness Enveloped The Traveler Comforting And Giving Him Solitude
Quote Of The Day: "If Music Be The Food Of Love, Play On............too bad all the records are broken" Lord Shawn
Hello friends, good evening to those of you who have cause to call it a good evening, and just plain greetings to those of you who have no cause to see this as anything but a wretched day that is joyless and as murky as the grey sky above. But today is a special day for some of you, truly congratualations is in order to those of you who always tell me im too arrogant or who would like to see me cut down to size. Congratulations because I sit before you now humbled and reduced. Why? You might ask, its none of your damnable business just savor the moment for what it is and savor any feeling from me at all. I also admit that I was wrong, I was wrong in ever believing that feeling could ever be useful. I was better off in my icy demeanors that I ever have been in this caring bullshit that I've sucked up from you people. I know some of you come for advice, so heres a bit for you; turn your back on opening yourself up because your going to hurt yourself doing that, if people want in then let them knock first. "Learn to be lonely, life can be lived and life can be learned"- Andrew Loyd Webber (Phantom Of The Opera). To my wonderful adoring readers, keep reading this journal, im nto going anywhere but things are going to change. Forget everything I've ever said about love. Read this in the coming days because I have much to teach you all about "love" and "caring" and all the other nonsense that sappy poets and dumbass writers tr to cram down your throats. I will help to cleanse your minds of these false realities and more false truths. Know each of you that Lord Shawn will not lie to you, ever, for any reason at least not here in this forum. To those of you that come here trying to find weakeness or a chink in my armor, keep looking jackasses cause you wotn find one. I am a god unto myself, a lord among men, and I am immune to these concepts of love, caring, devotion, and seduction. Beneath this chest beats a heart of ice and the lives the soul of a writer, a writer who knows better than to believe in crap that candy companies and old women try to feed us.
SVS
Hello friends, good evening to those of you who have cause to call it a good evening, and just plain greetings to those of you who have no cause to see this as anything but a wretched day that is joyless and as murky as the grey sky above. But today is a special day for some of you, truly congratualations is in order to those of you who always tell me im too arrogant or who would like to see me cut down to size. Congratulations because I sit before you now humbled and reduced. Why? You might ask, its none of your damnable business just savor the moment for what it is and savor any feeling from me at all. I also admit that I was wrong, I was wrong in ever believing that feeling could ever be useful. I was better off in my icy demeanors that I ever have been in this caring bullshit that I've sucked up from you people. I know some of you come for advice, so heres a bit for you; turn your back on opening yourself up because your going to hurt yourself doing that, if people want in then let them knock first. "Learn to be lonely, life can be lived and life can be learned"- Andrew Loyd Webber (Phantom Of The Opera). To my wonderful adoring readers, keep reading this journal, im nto going anywhere but things are going to change. Forget everything I've ever said about love. Read this in the coming days because I have much to teach you all about "love" and "caring" and all the other nonsense that sappy poets and dumbass writers tr to cram down your throats. I will help to cleanse your minds of these false realities and more false truths. Know each of you that Lord Shawn will not lie to you, ever, for any reason at least not here in this forum. To those of you that come here trying to find weakeness or a chink in my armor, keep looking jackasses cause you wotn find one. I am a god unto myself, a lord among men, and I am immune to these concepts of love, caring, devotion, and seduction. Beneath this chest beats a heart of ice and the lives the soul of a writer, a writer who knows better than to believe in crap that candy companies and old women try to feed us.
SVS
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