Time, a perception of passing conjured by the human mind so that we may have a reference to our place in the universe. Its is merely a perception, something without substance or tangible matter that is as relevant as we wish it to be. It passes as quickly or as slowly as we percieve it to pass. Meaning that what may feel like an hour to one person may seem like seconds to another. We have definitions for time and how long specific periods of time are but they are only so that there is a common frame of measurement and reference among us as a specie. Perhaps if other intelligent social life exists those lifeforms may measure time in a different way, have differing meanings of measurement for it, or perhaps they have no concept of the passing of time. But regardless of how other life may or may not percieve and measure it, we do and that is both relevant and important.
For me time is something that passes slowly most of the time. Why? Because I wish it to pass slowly so that I might be able to take the time to look around and study things, to understand those other things that are relevant to me and important to me. Lately though time has seemed...more relevant than I wish it too. This is partially because of the passing of my father, which led me to view myself in a different light. It was something of a passing of a mantle, no longer was I able to sit in the shadow of a man I viewed as larger than myself, I was forced to step forward and be seen in the light, the gaze of other family members directed upon me. I stand now in that light in defiance of them, they see me as less than my father, weaker and easier to manipulate, but they are finding me more defiant and more cunning than he was.
But time has become more relevant because I look at the changes to come and the changes that have already come and now realize that there is a timetable for these things, mostly because they involve other people and goals that are dependent upon the idea of time. While this is neither a bad nor a good thing, I am finding it....disconcerting. I find it thus because of impending changes on a 6 month time span, decisions must be made and those decisions will affect more than me and I will be forced to partially decide for others, something that has never sat well with me, though it has happened all too often.
I often find it a cruel joke that I am, too often for my liking, defined as a tyrant or a leader (depending on who is doing the defining) but that, for myself, I would prefer to be neither. Making decisions for others has never been something I care to do. What people confuse for a desire to control is merely a desire to observe and offer commentary or, when it is solicited, advice. Typically what happens when I offer advice is either someone asking "what else should I do?" or "dont tell me what to do", though I wasnt offering to make a decision nor implying that a person SHOULD do one thing or another. More and more I am finding people to be over-reacting one way or another, and occasionally under-reacting.
There are other things affecting me, which led to me writing this, though I dont care to put them down for all the world to see. I would kill for a little true relaxation and peace of mind, but there is work to be done and others are both relying and depending on me, I cannot let them down nor can I let myself down. Est Sulars Oth Mithas.