Some writings.

I got bored one night and decided to write some things. Its not based on anything other than thoughts, ect. It IS of an erotic nature, just a forwarning.

It didn’t matter how often they made love, how often they had sex, how often they fucked because each and every time he saw her naked it was like seeing her for the first time all over again. Perhaps such feelings could be attributed to his youth, the fact that they didn’t see each other all that often or maybe it was just lust but it didn’t matter.

Perfection was the way he could best describe her, not the perfection of some magazine or popular idea but the perfection in the idea of a creator. Society termed people underweight, overweight, too curvy, not curvy enough, and all points in-between but what mattered to him was her and how she appeared in his minds eye, how she felt in his big hands, the way she conformed to his body, everything else was useless nonsense. She was perfection beneath his fingertips.

Their love life was a myriad of things, but anything besides boring. She was looking at him with those eyes, eyes that betrayed a great sense of intelligence both inward and outward. Awaiting his touch she was becoming impatient. Tonight was not about exercising her dominance over him or his over her, it was about need and desire. They hadn’t seen each other in awhile and they both wanted each other, though individually they both believed they wanted the other more than the opposite.

His eyes moved up over the her petite feet, over the slightly curved calves to the graceful incline of her hips to the cinch of her waist, up to the swell of her beautiful breasts to that face that so commanded his thoughts all too often. As his eyes moved so to did those large hands until they rested lightly on her throat, a touch that meant everything between them, control, trust, lust.

Then I decided to write a little more.

Her throat made a guttural primal sound as his hand traveled over the pale warm flesh of her body. The sound was pleasing in many ways, it spoke of her desire for him, the need for his touch, and the pleasure at having received it. That sound meant everything to him, it had become her mating call for him and it never ceased to work.

It stemmed from when they had first met. He had taken her to a movie, she had been talking to him for years but this was the first time they had truly met in person, until this point they were merely two thoughts digitally connected by their mutual interests in various things. But now they were together, though it was nothing more than a dusty movie theatre that smelled of stale popcorn and even staler soda. As they watched the move he had casually reached over and placed his large warm hands on the cold pale skin of her exposed neck and involuntarily she had uttered that sound, the sound that would forever entrance him. Neither spoke a word but both knew that there was a spark of something between them more powerful than simple words.

Now as she uttered that sound yet again he felt a need to breed her. It was amazing how much happens without realizing it, how much works with and against you in those lust filled moments. The smell of her sex, her wetness filling the small bedroom, the sound of it as his fingers slowly explored her wetness. Between sound and smell there are few words that could ever compare to those twin powers.

Nothing will ever be able to move a man as much as smell, it can bring back the fondest memories, perfume the air and control his mind, and bring him to his very knees if used properly. No matter what that smell is, it can be something as simple as baking cookies or as complex as the primal wetness of his lovers scent filling his nostrils.

The sound of her wetness, the sounds of their mating, the audible noise of moans, groans, and gurgles are only a step below the sense of smell. No musical instrument or song can ever hope to match the sound of a unique mating call or the sound of passionate love making.

She was his and was showing it to him in every possible way, even if she didn’t know it. He was taking time to savor those sounds, those smells, and the sight of his own perfection that was her incredible body. The longer he waited the more sounds she made, the more she writhed in front of him, and the stronger her scent became. Its in moments like these that time simply becomes relative, becomes only a perception and where immortality becomes real.

So then I decided to do one more lol

Anger, one of the worlds finest and purest of emotions. Its taste in the mind is that of a hot cider, warm and fiery with a pleasant taste. It clouds the mind of better judgment, but feels clear and fluid.

His eyes burned into her, deep brown eyes of fury that threatened to sear the flesh from her bones. She had made the mistake of ignoring him and nothing infuriated him more, nothing drove him to madness quite like being ignored. But why? Why had she ignored him she wondered, feeling herself sweat beneath the heat of his stare. Was it on purpose to get him to show he cared or was it merely a mistake?

Every muscle told him to teach the wretched bitch a lesson, to teach through pain and misery, to make her wear the marks of her mistakes. But even as the anger flooded his mind the better part of him would have none of it. Pain was what she craved, she enjoyed it, but turn about is fair play in such games. He simply arched an eyebrow and smoothed a hand along her bare shoulders.

She looked up at him with a pleading gaze, practically asking to be taught her lesson, begging to shown the error of her ways. As he touched her, that guttural moan left her lips and her flesh warmed beneath his touch. She expected it would get much warmer if the anger in those deep brown eyes had anything to say about it.

He too felt the reaction in her flesh, in her eyes, in her soul. But no pain came, he would inflict no harm upon her. It would only giver her what she wished and would give him little satisfaction. No, he would give her what she gave him, he would ignore her. With an evil little smile he patted her head, turned on his heel and shut the door behind him.

And that was pretty much it. I find it theraputic in a way, exciting sometimes, and other times it just feels creative.

Grey horizons

Lord almighty its been one of those months, well 2 months. Felt like I'm losing my mind at first, then it turned to just generally being less than happy. I supposed I should be pleased that the first part was just stress but the second part....I dunno. Realizing I wasnt actually in a relationship really didnt do my over stressed mind any good. Never was good at the friends with benefits thing, always want more and that was the case here. But such is the nature of some things and one is forced to move on.

Gallery of Memories

Was doing something for a friend tonight, sorta involved me attempting to draw...lol...yeah if you've ever seen me attempt it then you know how funny it ends up looking. Anyway I was doing that, opened up a little notepad and it had a message, which I had already read a long time ago, for me from an ex, just her email address but it brought a swell of....past pleasent thoughts to mind.

Like most humans I live not only in the present, the hopes for my future, but also in the memories of my past. I like to think of memories as pieces of art that I can look at whenever I please, my own personal gallery. This thought was pleasent and brought a smile to my lips, I remembered how beautiful she is, how sweet and kind she could be, and how I saw so much potential in her. When I think back to her I hear slow jazz music and I see that gorgeous face smiling at me and I'm there again for a moment.

The same is true when I look back at other memories of other exes, family members, friends, ect. The mind's memories is a gallery of art and in each room the appropriate music is playing for those memories.

I think of my grandmother and no matter what the memory, happy or sad, it brings tears to my eyes. The weight of such loss, the refusal to accept death as a natural portion of life weighs on me, brings those tears out that few other things in this world can.

I love my memories with all my heart and soul, as I love the tears. It reminds me of my humanity, that I can feel like anyone else.

Exploring the Ego

The human mind fascinates me, all the various facets we show of who we truly are. Do we ever truly know who we really are? Or are we merely the sum of all those facets, never truly speaking in the same continuous voice. As time goes on and I learn more the more I am convinced that psychology is my calling. I LOVE literature but its a personal interest, there is so much more I can do with a psychology degree, to help my fellow man. Naturally I understand the minds of others far better than I could ever hope to understand my own but such is always the nature of those who hope to heal.

Dont get me wrong, I realize I'll never be the same as a surgeon who can see first hand the healing natures of his work but I like to think that what I do will be able to heal the mind and soul both. I just need to find a way to heal myself. My relationship with my father, continued grieving for my late maternal Grandmother, lack of romance in life, failed relationships, ect. But that which does not kill you makes you stronger right?

I often wonder if I'm losing touch with friends, I see them, I talk to them but understand them? Some of them are facing relationship issues of their own and it feels like there is nothing I can do to help. I'm told that its not my duty to save everyone, to solve everyones problems....that doesnt mean that I dont have a strong desire to. Someone once instilled in me a belief that my friends and family are my court and I am their Lord, if that is true then I have neglected them and it feels as if it is my duty to use my wisdom and whatever power or influence I have to assist them. This is my nature I suppose, to desire to help, to heal, to solve the problems of others and go forth and help to smooth away the troubles. In return they pay tribute to my ego and, like a gracious Lord, I merely smile and nod, saying that it was my privelage to be of assistance.

Its funny that the two people who instilled that idea and my ego are gone and the other I havent talked to since she moved home. Oddly I find my thoughts turning to the one who built my ego, she is married and has a kid now, her life is a far cry from what she wanted but hopefully it makes her happy. She built up my ego, helped to shape that which now sits here typing. She was beautiful in those days, radiant and gorgeous. The other is and will always be a friend, we simply do not have much contact or perhaps use for one another.

What I seek now is someone who at least begins to understand these thoughts, that can inspire me to greater things and whom I can help, who needs me. She could be a whole world away, proximity has rarely been an issue for me, I simply need the other person so that we can work towards a common goal and continue to produce new great goals for the future.

Shawn

The Almighty

So a friend of mine was watching a History channel special about God and some of the things done in the old testament. Its been thought that perhaps because of God anger that he has commited sin by killing those he was angry with. IE Soddom and Ghmorra, the whole world except for Noah and his family, ect. However what is not understood here is that rational thought of mankind does NOT apply to God. Personally I'm a special breed of agnostic called a "Humanist" and so generally I dont agree with traditional style thoughts. But in traditional dogma and doctorine for nearly every religion who believes in a singular supreme being they alla gree that this beyond is above and beyond us. Remember that God didnt just creat man and the world but the entire universe in which it sits. The very stars in the sky, the great black expanse betweent he stars and every law known to the galaxy were said to have been set in place by this singular being and through its will alone the universe and all its inhabitants continue to exist. The laws and ideals he set down for us to follow do not apply to him. Think of it as a child, children are given a bedtime, taught to eat their dinner before their dessert but these things do not apply to the parents. To say we are merely children in the presence of such a being, if one existed, is a severe understatment. So yes in many ways its a "Do I say, not as I do" but its more than that, your questioning the wisdom of a being who is past, present, and future who see and knows all.

As for me, well no matter what the case with God is what I believe is that we are the important part. We arent Gods, we dont have the luxury of immortality, all knowing minds, all seeing eyes, and omnipresence. We are human and we have short existences, we have flawed intellects, and eyes that do not always see what they should. As a people we must be concerned with each other first and foremost, we must endure together through faith in each other and believe in each other. Through one another all things are possible, we can do anything so long as we struggle to do so together. We WILL stumble along the way and will make mistakes but through those mistakes we will learn, we will persevere. We should be thankful for our existence yes, but not to the point where we abandon one another in order to seek the blessing of our creator, rather we should honor our lives by making the most of it.

Shawn

Lost

Lost, its really the only way to describe how I feel. I am not without hope, without dreams its just that I dont know how to follow them or which one I want to follow. I dont know when I first became lost, only that I am. Most days I spend in a fog, barely noticing that the day goes by. One day is pretty much the same as the next. Even my desire to write, which was once a burning passion, is nothing more than an occasional whim. I feel a great deal of inspiration trapped within me but know not how to access it.

I am unsure of many things in my life. But the thing that bothers me the most is romance. Its different being single this time, in the past I desperately sought out other people, exes whom it didnt work with simply because I couldnt stand the thought of being alone. In the past I sought the counsel of friends, asking questions that they did not have the answers to when I should have been asking myself those questions. I could use some clairty about now, something to put things in perspective.

My nephew grows more each day, perhaps he puts a few things in perspective for me. I want nothing more than for him to grow and to know his Uncle and I wish to be an Uncle he can look up to and feel pride in. In turn I wish to help him grow to know peace and intelligence in himself, to have the wisdom that his father simply does not have. Would that he might one day have an Aunt who accompanies his Uncle.

I know that I need to return to school, I've been away too long and I need to go back. I need to learn, to study and grow again. Perhaps the answers I seek are in knowledge I have yet to learn and perhaps in seeking that knowledge I will find someone to share the journey with me. Now I just need to find my way back to school.

Shawn

Melancholy

Listening to The Rose, the Lean Rimes version. I guess it was done by Bette Midler first ubt I like the sound of Rimes voice better. Good song though, kinda makes me wanna write again but I find I'm still have inspirational problems. Could be from a lot of things though, Grandma's death, failed desires, failed relationships, hard to say.

Finally saw Donnie Darko about a week ago, absolutely loved it. Ive heard the song "Mad World" a lot of times and I've always liked it but now that I've seen the movie I totally understand it better now, go figure. Always like the line "I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad the dreams in which I'm die'ing are the best I've ever had...". Feeling rather melancholy tonight, its that feel that somethings not quite right, just off a bit. I dunno. Could be that its Valentines day next weekend and this just isnt what I had planned it on being. A friend brought over Dragonage: Origins though and I suppose that'll kinda fill some of my time for now.

Getting taxes back soon, wanna go somewhere for a few days, hopefully San Fransisco or something in California, maybe cmaping in the redwoods when winter is more or less through.

Food

Food, absolutely love it. I am a fan of almost all things food. Great amounts of enjoyment can be found in making your own meal, carefully preparing the ingredients and skillfuly crafting them into something wonderful. But there is also much to be said for eating out, enjoying the creations of a fine restraunt or even a fast food place. Personally I'm partial to KFC, theres something about the mashed potatoes and gravy, and the chickens ok although not as good as I remember it being years ago. Taco Hell, McDonalds, Burger King are all places I eat when I have a craving for junk food or just dont have much time for anything else, not a huge fan of those particular places.

When it comes to finer dining I can think of several places that I have enjoyed over the years. One is the Greek Deli in Portland OR., their food is simply amazing, even more so for their fair pricing. I'm not overly picky about my food but I am rather critical of desserts. They have some of the best baklava Ive had.
At home theres plenty of seafood restraunts I love but Benettis, an Italian restraunt, is defiantely a favored restraunt. Its the whole style of the place that I like. Particularly the fact that its casual, it feels like an Italian home. I know the owner and operator, several of the waiter/waitresses and I have always felt welcome there. I dont think I've ever had a bad meal there either.
However if I'm going to have seafood at home I think the Hilltop House is the one place I can always trust to have superior seafood, fresh and expertly prepared. They also haves stuffed mushrooms like Ive never had before and cant imagine I will again.
Las Vegas is definately a city I could stay in for a year and never eat at the same place twice if I didnt want. Although secluded in the middle of the mojave desert they have some of the best foods both seafood and otherwise that is always fresh, imported daily. I cant begin to count the number of different places I've eaten there but the Rainforest Cafe, although not only in Las Vegas, is one of the best in the city for its unique dining exerpience.
San Fransisco is another city I cant imagine finding a bad meal in. I was once at a small restraunt in China Town that was situated above another business and they had the most excellent pot stickers. Since that time I've eaten a lot of different pot stickers in different restaunt and most havent been that bad but this place was the best, hands down and I wish I could remember the name of it. I had breakfast the next morning along the whorf and I had scrambled eggs, corn beef and hash and it was freaking amazing. It wasnt overpowering on the seasoning, it was perfect.
The last time I was in Spokane, WA. I ate at this little restaunt with my ex-girlfriend and her friend and their burgers were fantastic. It was everything about the burger, they toasted the bun perfectly, made the burger just a little pink in the center, used a blend of things in their own sauce and their deserts were.....well interesting. It was the deep friend twinkie smothered in chocolate sauce and sprinkled with powdered sugar and cinnanom that caught my attention when her friend was talking about it, though my blood sugar and body just werent brave enough to even attempt that suicide mission.

Silver Lining.

Almost Valentines day, and this year I'm single. I say single instead of alone because....I dont really feel alone right now. I have loyal friends, and it just doesnt feel as alone. The last relationship was funa t first but it didnt work out, it didnt end with yelling or bad feelings. I think we both realized it just wasnt working. To me....thats a step in the right direction, that it wasnt something I was lacking, wasnt something I did wrong. We just werent working because we have different wants, different ideas of what life should be....and thats ok.

There's a girl I'm interested in but I dont wanna jump into anything, and frankly we have all the time in the world. There are other things I need to get accomplished first. I wanna go back to school, I wanna get to know someone really well, I want them to be interested in my writing, enjoy what I have to say and be my best friend as well as my lover. As it turns out I still have a great deal of hope for the world, go figure. I even have faith in mankind.

Ironically I wrote that last part as my head turned to watch a guy fake cumming on 40 Days and 40 Nights. If you havent seen it, watch it, damned funny. So I feel kinda random. You might ask what brings on this random celebration, well I had dessert with the ex tonight and it was good. We talked, she asked me to move in with her and her friend but I told her that her extracurricular lifestyle doesnt work with me and I just wouldnt tolerate living with it. But it was good cause she was ok with that and understood even if she wasnt happy about it.

I'm also looking forward to seeing Yellowstone this summer, Yosemite last year was incredible and there are times when I'm tired and laying in the bathtub that images of it still fill my mind. Always been a lover of nature. I'd love to go somewhere like that in the winter with someone, romantic getaway type of thing. Which makes me miss a friend who stayed with me for like 2 weeks recently, it was nice to have someone here to distract me from over analyzing myself.

Well I'm off to have a late dinner with another friend.