Lingering Thoughts Of The Roads Not Taken


I felt it necessary to write another entry tonight because there is so much on my mind these days. One of those things is regret. We all have things we wish we'd have done differently, we all have roads not taken. But as I have stated before, these entries are about me and my perceptions of the world around me and I feel like talking about my untaken roads. Like so many men in the world many of my untaken roads have to do with women. I could list any number of women I have had chances for relationships with, chances for sexual encounters, and chances for any number of other things but it is women that I see now and see their happiness that haunt me the most. This leads me to my sexual beliefs which are greatly varied. I believe one way but long for another way. A good friend of mine, we shall refer to him as Private Jackass, once told me several things about women that both made me laugh and made me want to ring his neck. You see I am a man who firmly believes in equality among all humans despite their color, race, heritage, sex, or what have you. One of the things he told me was that you (referring to me and other men of the heterosexual persuasion) should never get married to the first "chick" you have sex with (though the way he said it was far more colorful anf crude) because you have no basis for comparison. Now it seems to me that, in a relationship, you should worry more about emotional and personal conflict rather than sexual strategy so naturally this irked me a little. But it was the other thing he told me that really made me angry. He once said that when it comes to a woman interrupting the relationship of two males friends "Bro's before Ho's", of all the things people say I cannot stand stupid dumbass, piece of crap, absolutely stone-age, male schauvanistic, macho, garbage sayings like that. Personally I think anyone that spouts out that crap arent even worthy of the friends that put up with that. This was especially annoying becuase he was speaking of one of my dearest friends, we shall call her Angel, and he is not worthy of the attention she puts towards him nor is he worthy, at the moment, of any woman who looks his way. Maybe I think this way because in my mind I hold women very dear to me and I respect my female friend much more than I do my male friends. I have always held a special affinity for women in friendships and I often hold them higher than the males in my life simply because I have never had as many women lie to me as I have men nor do they act in stupid macho mannerisms.

Now that were on the subject, lets talk a little about Angel. Angel and I have been friends since about Junior year in high school and that was about 5-6 years ago, though everytime I say that it only seems like 4 years. When we first met I was very attracted to her and ill be honest, I was attracted to her because she was a tall big busted blond, hey im male and I have hormones what can I say? Anyway we developed a relationship based on friendship that lasts to this day, a friendship that I Cherish. This is probably one of my most meaningful and coveted friendships because I get so much out of it and put so much into it. It means alot to me that despite the fact that I make her angry she puts up with it and just smiles through it. I wont lie and say she never makes me angry because she does, especially some of her descisions, but I always try to remind myself that I can be over-protective and need to be supportive of her in all her endeavors. One of her endeavors is that of joining a branch of the military and I highly disagree with that descision. First of all I am not in support of any military at all because of the violent nature inherent in its use but in her case its different. As far as wars, military, and violence go I have always associated those things with men and men alone because I foolishly blame my gender for most of the violence in life. I guess I just dont want to think of my Angel in a situation where she could be hurt or killed and death is not something I deal with well. I have a need for control in life and death is simply not something I can control for her or protect her from and that bothers me. If it takes everything in life, I will find a cure for natural death and I will stop it. Anyway, she, wisely, chooses to pursue her own path in life but god does she ever worry me sometimes.

Close to me, also, is Private Jackass. Private Jackass is a private in a brach of the military, ive already stated how I feel about the military, and we have known each other since 3rd grade, thats about 14-16 years. As we have gotten older we have began to grow apart, though he denies this, and our views on life and the issues therein have become increasingly at odds. Private Jackass is one of many who are blind to the very world around him, incapable of seeing the greater scheme of things and recognizing the massive tapestry that each of us are inexplicably woven into. I have tried, for years, to open his eyes to this and still he refuses to see, I suspect he does this because to recognize his small tiny part in the universe would simply scare him too much. Among many things I prize balance above all else in life and the Private is very unbalanced, though stable. I have tried to teach him that balance must be maintained in life in order to be the most happy and content but again he prefers to be blind. He reminds me very much of men that commit a crime and go to jail for a long time then are finally released but becuase all they know is jail life, and are scared to try anything new and re-join society, they go out and commit the same or different crime in order to be sent back to jail. In this way he has created his own prison which he shall forever be trapped in and it will remain the same until the day he dies unless someone, with more strength than I, am able to open his eyes, though he will first have to want to open them. At this time I would like to state that I know some of these people will read these entries and they may recognize themselves but the point of these entries are for me to ventilate and if these people are hurt, offended, or generally wierded out then they must learn to deal with that, after all having a relationship with someone means to know and accept them for all that they are.

SVS