Timely Decisions

Time, a perception of passing conjured by the human mind so that we may have a reference to our place in the universe. Its is merely a perception, something without substance or tangible matter that is as relevant as we wish it to be. It passes as quickly or as slowly as we percieve it to pass. Meaning that what may feel like an hour to one person may seem like seconds to another. We have definitions for time and how long specific periods of time are but they are only so that there is a common frame of measurement and reference among us as a specie. Perhaps if other intelligent social life exists those lifeforms may measure time in a different way, have differing meanings of measurement for it, or perhaps they have no concept of the passing of time. But regardless of how other life may or may not percieve and measure it, we do and that is both relevant and important.

For me time is something that passes slowly most of the time. Why? Because I wish it to pass slowly so that I might be able to take the time to look around and study things, to understand those other things that are relevant to me and important to me. Lately though time has seemed...more relevant than I wish it too. This is partially because of the passing of my father, which led me to view myself in a different light. It was something of a passing of a mantle, no longer was I able to sit in the shadow of a man I viewed as larger than myself, I was forced to step forward and be seen in the light, the gaze of other family members directed upon me. I stand now in that light in defiance of them, they see me as less than my father, weaker and easier to manipulate, but they are finding me more defiant and more cunning than he was.

But time has become more relevant because I look at the changes to come and the changes that have already come and now realize that there is a timetable for these things, mostly because they involve other people and goals that are dependent upon the idea of time. While this is neither a bad nor a good thing, I am finding it....disconcerting. I find it thus because of impending changes on a 6 month time span, decisions must be made and those decisions will affect more than me and I will be forced to partially decide for others, something that has never sat well with me, though it has happened all too often.

I often find it a cruel joke that I am, too often for my liking, defined as a tyrant or a leader (depending on who is doing the defining) but that, for myself, I would prefer to be neither. Making decisions for others has never been something I care to do. What people confuse for a desire to control is merely a desire to observe and offer commentary or, when it is solicited, advice. Typically what happens when I offer advice is either someone asking "what else should I do?" or "dont tell me what to do", though I wasnt offering to make a decision nor implying that a person SHOULD do one thing or another. More and more I am finding people to be over-reacting one way or another, and occasionally under-reacting.

There are other things affecting me, which led to me writing this, though I dont care to put them down for all the world to see. I would kill for a little true relaxation and peace of mind, but there is work to be done and others are both relying and depending on me, I cannot let them down nor can I let myself down. Est Sulars Oth Mithas.

Even Gods Die

So last wednesday, Feb. 16th, I found out my father passed away on Jan. 4th, 2011. I found out because a cousin sent me a facebook message saying "Was Gary Stengar your father?" and there was something about the "was" that gave me a bad feeling. I googled my fathers name, Gary Gale Stengar, and found his obituary. There was a feeling of disbelief, and I truly didnt believe it. I had to check with other family members to find out it was true. Odd that I could find them to contact them but not the other way around.

Dad and I hadnt been getting along very well these past few years. I hadnt seen him in nearly a year, hadnt emailed him in months and talked to him in almost a year. Though he wasnt always present, his presence was always here with me. I miss him more than words can ever hope to express, I feel a great sense of loss and the absence of that warm presence hurts so much. I can only hope that he died knowing how much I loved him, I know that he loved me.

Gary Stengar wasnt a man who openly expressed his feelings easy but everytime we had to part he told me he loved me and told me to be good. It may not seem like much to some but to me it meant everything. He was a big man, full of love and intelligence. I remember the strength in his arms when he'd give me a hug, the bold laughter so full of life. He died of a heart attack, in his sleep, he always said he wished to die in his sleep.

Even now its hard to think of him as gone. To me he was larger than life, falable but invincible. He was my ideal of what a man should be. I could have seen him anytime I wanted, but chose not to. Now he's gone and I'll never be able to see him again, never be able to hug him and tell him how proud I am to be his son, talk with him about things, never be able to introduce him to a girlfriend, never be able to invite him to my wedding, show him his grandchildren, I will never see my father again and for that I will never be able to forgive myself.

I love you Dad and I will miss you so much.

Shawn Vincent Stengar