Was doing something for a friend tonight, sorta involved me attempting to draw...lol...yeah if you've ever seen me attempt it then you know how funny it ends up looking. Anyway I was doing that, opened up a little notepad and it had a message, which I had already read a long time ago, for me from an ex, just her email address but it brought a swell of....past pleasent thoughts to mind.
Like most humans I live not only in the present, the hopes for my future, but also in the memories of my past. I like to think of memories as pieces of art that I can look at whenever I please, my own personal gallery. This thought was pleasent and brought a smile to my lips, I remembered how beautiful she is, how sweet and kind she could be, and how I saw so much potential in her. When I think back to her I hear slow jazz music and I see that gorgeous face smiling at me and I'm there again for a moment.
The same is true when I look back at other memories of other exes, family members, friends, ect. The mind's memories is a gallery of art and in each room the appropriate music is playing for those memories.
I think of my grandmother and no matter what the memory, happy or sad, it brings tears to my eyes. The weight of such loss, the refusal to accept death as a natural portion of life weighs on me, brings those tears out that few other things in this world can.
I love my memories with all my heart and soul, as I love the tears. It reminds me of my humanity, that I can feel like anyone else.
A journey into the mind of madness and into the heart of the confused.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Saturday, October 09, 2010
Exploring the Ego
The human mind fascinates me, all the various facets we show of who we truly are. Do we ever truly know who we really are? Or are we merely the sum of all those facets, never truly speaking in the same continuous voice. As time goes on and I learn more the more I am convinced that psychology is my calling. I LOVE literature but its a personal interest, there is so much more I can do with a psychology degree, to help my fellow man. Naturally I understand the minds of others far better than I could ever hope to understand my own but such is always the nature of those who hope to heal.
Dont get me wrong, I realize I'll never be the same as a surgeon who can see first hand the healing natures of his work but I like to think that what I do will be able to heal the mind and soul both. I just need to find a way to heal myself. My relationship with my father, continued grieving for my late maternal Grandmother, lack of romance in life, failed relationships, ect. But that which does not kill you makes you stronger right?
I often wonder if I'm losing touch with friends, I see them, I talk to them but understand them? Some of them are facing relationship issues of their own and it feels like there is nothing I can do to help. I'm told that its not my duty to save everyone, to solve everyones problems....that doesnt mean that I dont have a strong desire to. Someone once instilled in me a belief that my friends and family are my court and I am their Lord, if that is true then I have neglected them and it feels as if it is my duty to use my wisdom and whatever power or influence I have to assist them. This is my nature I suppose, to desire to help, to heal, to solve the problems of others and go forth and help to smooth away the troubles. In return they pay tribute to my ego and, like a gracious Lord, I merely smile and nod, saying that it was my privelage to be of assistance.
Its funny that the two people who instilled that idea and my ego are gone and the other I havent talked to since she moved home. Oddly I find my thoughts turning to the one who built my ego, she is married and has a kid now, her life is a far cry from what she wanted but hopefully it makes her happy. She built up my ego, helped to shape that which now sits here typing. She was beautiful in those days, radiant and gorgeous. The other is and will always be a friend, we simply do not have much contact or perhaps use for one another.
What I seek now is someone who at least begins to understand these thoughts, that can inspire me to greater things and whom I can help, who needs me. She could be a whole world away, proximity has rarely been an issue for me, I simply need the other person so that we can work towards a common goal and continue to produce new great goals for the future.
Shawn
Dont get me wrong, I realize I'll never be the same as a surgeon who can see first hand the healing natures of his work but I like to think that what I do will be able to heal the mind and soul both. I just need to find a way to heal myself. My relationship with my father, continued grieving for my late maternal Grandmother, lack of romance in life, failed relationships, ect. But that which does not kill you makes you stronger right?
I often wonder if I'm losing touch with friends, I see them, I talk to them but understand them? Some of them are facing relationship issues of their own and it feels like there is nothing I can do to help. I'm told that its not my duty to save everyone, to solve everyones problems....that doesnt mean that I dont have a strong desire to. Someone once instilled in me a belief that my friends and family are my court and I am their Lord, if that is true then I have neglected them and it feels as if it is my duty to use my wisdom and whatever power or influence I have to assist them. This is my nature I suppose, to desire to help, to heal, to solve the problems of others and go forth and help to smooth away the troubles. In return they pay tribute to my ego and, like a gracious Lord, I merely smile and nod, saying that it was my privelage to be of assistance.
Its funny that the two people who instilled that idea and my ego are gone and the other I havent talked to since she moved home. Oddly I find my thoughts turning to the one who built my ego, she is married and has a kid now, her life is a far cry from what she wanted but hopefully it makes her happy. She built up my ego, helped to shape that which now sits here typing. She was beautiful in those days, radiant and gorgeous. The other is and will always be a friend, we simply do not have much contact or perhaps use for one another.
What I seek now is someone who at least begins to understand these thoughts, that can inspire me to greater things and whom I can help, who needs me. She could be a whole world away, proximity has rarely been an issue for me, I simply need the other person so that we can work towards a common goal and continue to produce new great goals for the future.
Shawn
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