From The Echoes Of His Vast Mind Came The Voice And Visage Of The Travelers Past, Show In All The Glory Of Its New Self

Friends, this year I have recieved a very special Christmas Gift, one that I hadnt expected in the least. Besides the large quantities of nice clothing, various kinds of cheese, blank CD's, money, books, and movies that I got, I recieved a visit from an old friend. Now im sure this wasnt meant as any kind of a Christmas gift but none the less I count it as one. I've talked of her before, in both flattering and non-flattering ways but it is one thing to be able to speak of someone you cannot see or do not have to face physically. Of course im sure you all know that im talking about Starfire now. Starfire showed up at my work, Cages Unlimited, while I was at work and asked if I was there, well friends I must say that I believe my jaw nearly dropped off because, even though she had changed, I still recognized that same flame red hair and those intense cornflower blue eyes. If, before, those cornflower blue eyes had once reminded me of a sharp frozen icecicle they now reminded me of a welcoming clear blue sky. Thoughts of how this girl, im sorry, this WOMAN, use to intimidate and hold sway over me swam through my mind. Now, standing before me, was a woman whom I respected and valued the opinions of, not a boyhood crush but a trusted friend. Dont get me wrong though, she was still every bit the temptress she once was. Since I had last seen her I had gotten much taller, and she had remained the same relative height, so she seemed much shorter, her eyes and hair still the same, abeit the hair was a tad shorter but she looked comfortable in her look, casual style clothing but warm for the climate I suppose, she seemed to hold herself with more confidence now and spoke as such, her voice still had its seductive quality to it which was something that always fascinated me and my sources tell me that she says she does it on purpose to "piss men off", well it may not piss me off but it would have its advantages I suppose. But most importantly was the fact that I was seeing her as she was and not how I perhaps wanted to see her. I didnt see the girl whom I once had a shy, though strong, crush on but rather I saw this woman whom I had shared a great deal of myself with and recognized as someone whom I trust, respect, and value in whatever capacity of friendship I can obtain from them. So as I prepare to head out for the day and run some errands I give a bow to you Starfire and appreciate your visit more than you can know, I only hope I was equally delightful for you as you were me.

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High In The Night Sky The Traveler Looked Up And Saw An Odd Overweight Man Riding In A Sleigh Pulled By Reindeer And Smiled To Himself, People Are Always Trying To Beat Airline Prices. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Once again Christmas has come and gone friends and much to my surprise this years has been pretty good. I suppose that after you pass a certain age Christmas becomes less and less about the presents and more about the people around you. If this is the case then my Christmas has been damn good, I have a great family, great friends, and still in search of love, though I think I may have found it. I dearly hope that all of you have had a good Christmas and gotten what you wanted and gave as good as you got. The only major complaint I have this Christmas is that I have not seen the spirit in the city as much as I have in past years and that it seems to have become more and more commercialized.

Speaking of love though, I find it curious that the object (person) of my affection is who she is. In truth I have special feelings for five women but there is one that stands out above all the rest and few women can cause me such annoyance. But the annoyance caused is nothing compared to the smile she can place on my face. However, until I can be with her (if ever) I must be content to think of her and allow my friends to lend me their comfort so that I may lend them mine when they need it.

Friends, there is another good subject for tonight. As of late I have been neglecting a friend lately, several actually. Angel, StarFire, and Sunshine, I have spent less time talking to them and being around them then ever and I must humbly apologize. Lately I've been somewhat stressed and there are many things that desperately need my attention right now. Starfire, I wish you a Merry Christmas and hope that we can talk again soon and maybe sometime we can even "see" one another again (as in face to face) and maybe have a drink this summer or something. Angel my dear, we really should spend some time together, maybe go see a movie or go to the beach or something, we really should talk more, I've missed speaking to you and singing *wink*. Sunshine, well sunshine doesnt know that this journal exists so there is no directly speaking to her but I do need to call ehr and go have lunch or a cup of coffee together or something. And to all the rest, my wishes for happy holidays and if you think im neglecting you I'm not and I shall endeavor to do my best as your friend.

"And To All A Good Night"

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The Travelers Hand Ceased To Write Any Further This Day, For Something Within Had Stopped Him Without

Well friends MERRY CHRISTMAS, it is 2 in the morning and it is offically Christmas now. Soon I am going to bed and shall await "Santa" to place my gifts beneath my tree but first I speak to you first. As always, I have been thinking, mostly about love, and it is entirely fascinating for me, and at least one other, that I am in love with 5 very different women. Now normally I would go through and list each along with their qualities but im fightin to keep my eyes open here and that would just take too much time. Suffice it say, each of these women bring out something different in me, my best qualities as well as some of my worst, thus forming the "true" me. I pose a question to you my dear readers, is it possible to love more than one woman at the same time? Please feel free to drop me a line in the chat box next to the posts.

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With A Will To Write, Born Of Unseen Forces, The Travelers Hands Scrawled The Words Across The Page Thus Giving Life To The Characters Held For So Long Within His Mind

As you may have noticed, I have added a little chat box to my journal here so that anyone may leave a message for me to see should they have any comments or anything interesting to say. I dont see all of you a whole lot so this is a good opportunity to leave me a message without having to listen to my nasty voicemail, stupid answering machine, or e-mail or MSN messenger me. And for those of you that do want to MSN me, im lrdoveron@hotmail.com. I think I shall be back later tonight to add some mroe to this little message, so bye for now.

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The Traveler Awoke And Began To Write The Story Of A Marvelous Journey

Yes INDEED!!! Dear friends I have good news, the story of Overon and his rise to power is now being written. Finally after many attempts and many dreams the story is now being worked into actual good writing. Soon Overons first story will begin to be written. So far the story outline is being debated by me and my two partners and once we are settled the first chapter shall begin. We hope to have the first three chapters done by May.

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While The Winter Raged Outside The Traveler Fell Asleep And Dreamt

Hello friends, it seems im in a pretty good mood tonight. My day went well and now I sit here at this piece of rather useful technology listening to Elvis (Burning Love) and writing to all of you. I know I've said it before but music truly is something special and amazing to me. There is something about the beat and rythm of a good positive song coursing through your body and singing in your blood, it makes one smile and move with the rythm no matter what they're doing, even typing. Ahh, this is truly rare, I am positively exstatic with positive emotion. Every fiber and muscles seems to twitch in time with those complex harmonies. I also finished reading the fourth Harry Potter book today and I am more and more impressed everyday with J.K. Rowling's writing. The fourth truly conveyed human emotion, happiness, and tragedy as well as utter sadness. Now normally I dont much care for Elvis but tonight I seem to have a taste for it. I also know that I've said I truly look forward to this summer in Vegas but I must reitterate that sentiment and say again that the year is not yet through winter and already I delight at the thought. This year marks something of a great freedom for me, the ability to enter all public establishments, have drinks casually, and being ready to free myself from this wretched little college truly gives me thigns to look forward too. But I have much to do in the meantime with school and work, not to mention actively trying to find a female companion to come with me this summer.

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Tonight The Traveler Sat Huddled Beside His Campfire Dreaming Of The Spring

Good evening friends, sorry I didnt get a chance to write yesterday but I was rather tired and need some rest and I was a little angry I missed Star Trek Enterprize cause I fell asleep. Anyway, today was another decent day of hardwork and good money. But one thing is troubling me, I'm not sure what gifts to buy for my friends. I already got Wonderboy his present but I still need one for Lips. Not really sure at all what to get him but im sure something will come to mind soon enough. But of course I also have to buy for my Angel. Angel is a different problem because I can think of all sorts of things to give her but narrowing it down takes some thought. Generally I like to buy people books but alas my close friends are less than avid readers. I'm still looking for the kinda friend that reads as much as I do, that I can trade fantasy novels with. At any rate Christmas shopping is one of the things at the forefront of my mind. Well Christmas shopping and Sunshine at any rate, I need to call her tomorrow and see if she cand o something on monday, I'm pretty sure I work all weekend but I have mondays off. Sunshine always provides me with good conversation of course but I really want to feel that warmth inside myself that always comes from being in her presence. In other news it seems Starfire has been busy of late and I havent been able to talk to her as much as I like to. Also I am still encouraging all my friends to join me this summer in fabulous Las Vegas for my twenty first birthday.

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Staring Into The Flurries Of Snow As He Sat Huddled In A Cave The Traveler Glared Out At The Storm In Challenge To The Power Of Nature

Well friends today wasnt so bad as it first seemed. I worked about ten and a half hours today and at first I didnt want to be there that long and I was tired half way through the day but all in all it worked out ok. I am tired but relaxed too, so its all good. Yesterday I started talking about the women in my life and I forgot to mention one that I've known for about a year or so and she definately registers in my mind a fair amount of the time. We shall refer to her as White Lady, mainly because I seem to recall a poem about a "White Lady" who was a ghost and destined to be alone, and this fits in with what her and I talk about. In fact I feel a tad ashamed that I've never spoken of her before. Well White Lady and I have been taking theatre classes together under the tutelage of Professor Clingan, and though we disagree about many things we seem to get along quite nicely. Now I should mention first and foremost that though she is a beautiful young woman, there is little to no physical attraction between us, we merely find each others comapny to be mentally stimulating, and to a certaing emotional degree as well. White Lady and I have a great deal of things in common, especially when it comes to love, lust, and the lack thereof. Yes ladies and gentlemen she is actually a pure young college woman, go figure, didnt think any were left did you?

Now I have to take this time to say thank you to Angel who listened to me tonight, when I needed her and she helped. I wont go into detail because it would hurt too much and its not anyones business but mine, and Angels for helping me. Suffice it to say I needed a friend and she was there tonight, others have helped me with this before including Lips and Wonderboy, but I've never beena ble to pour my heart out with them like I did with her, it felt good in a sad sort of way. She knows what im talking about and thats all that matters. Angel and I have been through a lot together and I think she knows how much she means to me just as I know how much trust and love she places in me in return.

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In The Dead Of Winter Amid The Great Snow Flurries The Traveler Sat Huddled, Waiting For The Storms Of Winter To Pass All The While Feeling Thouroughly Confused

Once more I must apologize for not writing in such a long time but things got pretty busy and stressful there for awhile. Okay first things first, lets get you up to speed on whats happened, whats happening and whats going to happen. Many things have happened and theres a lot of things I have to take into consideration as well as some thoughts about the things yet to come.

To start with, there for a while I was working two jobs. One at McDonalds, which I recently quit and im am so f***ing happy its unbelievable. The other is at, and thats where im workign now, Cages Unlimited. We sell rare and exotic birds as well as various pet foods and of course, cages. Well the stress of working two jobs, and going to school was killing me so I never felt like writing very much, I was constantly tired, and forever lonely, not to mention my atrocious school work. But I quit McDonalds, did the best to save my grades, caught up on my sleep, but im still lonlier than ever.

Next up is my extra currciular situation. Well Man Of LaMancha went off without a hitch and it was all good. Currently Lips and I are co-stagemanaging (technically im assistant stage manager) Westside Story and its going pretty well, his little brother is an actor in it and im glad to see him pursuing theatre.

College has been a real up and down thing here lately. Im hoping to go to SOU in Ashland next year but im not sure whats going to be happening. But first of all let me say that I am so F***ING glad I didnt firmly decide on Switzerland cause it wouldnt have been worth the effort and to all those out there who called me foolish for wanting to go I concur and bow before your wisdom and insight. This term has by far been the worst but im through it now and im moving on to better things. Hopefully the next two terms ill pump out all "A's" so I can try for a scholarship to SOU and still have my loans as well. Mr. Happy and Ms. Quiet are also going there too, so thats cool.

As for work, well its not the easiest thing in the world but im learning about birds Ive never even heard of and ones that I didnt know much about to begin with. My boss is definately kinda of a prick but he's a good guy at heart and I know he has the best of intentions and wants his business to grow. To all of those who live around me I encourage all of you to come in and look around, heres the link to his page. http://cagesandbirds.com/

On to the stuff that I really enjoy talking about the most, the women who inhabit my life and are my inspiration for life. Angel and I have'nt been as close lately as I'd like. This may sound odd but she will know what I mean when I say I miss touching her. Touch for me is a direct connection that allows me to know a person very intimately and there are few people I am close enough too to actually have any degree of physical contact with. Angel often reminds me of how good of massages I give, though I thinks its mostly flattery, but if any of you other women in my life want one I'd be glad to have you give me an evaluation. I've read a few of ANgel's blogs and I saw a poem I wrote for her on there and I was touched to see it and I also saw one I wrote about her and im not sure she knew it was about her, but oh well. Starfire and I havent talked a whole lot lately but I wish we would, I really enjoy our conversations and its too bad we live so far apart because in the long run I think our relationship could be like Angel and mines, very friendly and inimate to such a degree that both are very comfortable with one another and in positions to help the other as friends. But my biggest source of concern right now is Sunshine who never actually moved away and is going to SOCC right now and we saw each other last wednesday night after my theatre final. Oh man, I had been missing her so much. But last week Lips told me he had seen her too and that they had talked for a bit, well it turns out she has a boyfriend in Georgia, and now im kinda in that sad angry mood. Cause it freaking sucks that she has a BF and now I have absolutely no possibility for any relationship with anyone around here. Guess im gonna ahve to move to find someone, but I was hoping I could meet someone here who I could have shared a common home with so that we could both get away from here and be able to talk about it later. Oh well, still sucks though. Somebody please e-mail me so I have someone to talk to. E-mail is Quixote_Thoughts@yahoo.com now.

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The Darkness Did Subside And Shrink From The Traveler As His Radiant Brilliance Shown On The Shadows Around Him

Sorry I havent written in awhile but, alas, college keeps me quite busy. Recently I've been trying to catch up on classes and homework (which I should be doing) and Im not sure I've been very sucessful. But I have been somewhat sucessful at trying to patch Angel and my friendship together again. We had fun on our geology trip, kinda felt bad for her though cause when we got back she saw her ex and he called her a whore. The snide little girl boy should watch himself, a snakes tounge can easily be removed for him and manners can often be hard things to learn when ones body is sore and bruised. It would be a pitty for him to have to learn such lessons in such harsh ways but such is the price of knowledge....*evil grin*.

I am also quite pleased with the way Starfire's and my friendship is progressing. I am learning more about her and discovering that she honestly cares about our relationship, and realizing that I do too. Which is good because I think people need more close friendships these days. To be frank I would be happier with more but we are in different places and on our way to even more different places im sure, so if this is all we can have then sobeit because this is pretty cool. Recently I thought I saw Sunshine back in town and god help me if my heart didnt fall over itself and a smile spread across these weary, age lined lips.
Sorry to make this short tonight but im kinda tired and I have homework and studying to do tonight.

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"Let Cometh The Light Unto It's Master" Called the Traveler Out To The Light As It Rose Brillantly Over The Hillside

Friends this post shall be dedicated solely to Angel. For it is Angel that my thoughts are on tonight, mainly because I just read her blog.

Well my dear we've come along way and we were nearly parted but look what we've outlasted. Through thick and thin, through the good and the bad and were still going. I should like to hope that if I can have this kind of connection with you then perhaps there is hope for me in romance yet. I know that we shall continue to keep this unique and strong friendship bond we have. But the important part is that we lasted a very horrible time together and though we were very close to not having that friendship, we found our way through the fog. Just remember that no matter how dark your day, how lost you get, and no matter what your trouble I am here to drive back the dark, stand as a shining beacon, and chase away your troubles with you. All I ask is that you offer the same to me, to be my lighthouse in the great darkness where the fortress of my mind is contained. I know there are going to many times you dont understand me or my actions but stay the course with me. There will be times when I lock myself in the tower of my mind and watch from atop that tower in my depression wondering why I have to be so far away from the normal populous but stay the course with me. And I'll see you on Monday then Tuesday for the fieldtrip.

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And From Out Of The Storm Came The Light Once More, Shining Down To Light The Path

Good evening once again, I have returned to you all once more, bearing stories and insights from the events in my life. Today (specifically at about 7:30 p.m.) I returned from a three day Geology field trip to Mt. Saint Helens and I have much to share. First off the trip was great and I thouroughly enjoyed it as well as all the others who went. But more importantly are the things I have learned from this trip. I will get to everything all in good time.

To start with was the trip up to the great mountain. The first day we stopped at Ape Cave and went spelunking inside the ancient lava tube (specifically the long one). This was my first indication I should have packed better for this trip. I had to wear my trench-coat into the cave which was all kinda of trouble sine there were ledges to climb, massive rocks to circumvent and a great deal of other obstacles up toa nd inculding water. I also forgot, in my haste, to pack a flashlight so I had to borrow one from Dr. Metzger (I dont use nickmaes for my professors since I refuse to bad mouth them here). But we got out alive and it was actually fairly fun. We also happened to meet some Astonians who were mushroom picking at the moutains base and had lost their way back to their car and it was really starting to get cold outside, so we gave them a lift back to their car and helped them find their friends. All in all I dont want to go over every detail of the trip but suffice it to say we had several more rather interestign and fun excersions, those of you who are interested just ask me about them. But there is something far mroe important that I wish to discuss here, more precisely it is something I have been thinking about and I have come to a descision about. On this trip I spent the better part of the time sitting in a van watching Mr. Happy and Ms. Quiet sitting together and sharing little smiles, having fun in a very sweet manner that only they understand, and I began to think. Though this is not the same type of relationship Angel and I have, it is similar in that I remember times when we could be close like that and I think about it now and the fact we no longer have that. In my opinion I still have every right to be angry and hurt but is it worth it to sulk and continually feel that pain? No, I was becoming my own worst enemy. So something must be done, but what? Well Angel, and I hope you'll read this, I have something very special to say.

"I can show you the world, shining, shimmering, splendid. Tell me princess when did you last let your heart decide? I can open your eyes, take you wonder by wonder, over sideways and under, on a magic carpet ride.
A whole new world, a new fantastic point of view. No one to tell us no or where to go or say were only dreaming.
A whole new world, a dazzling place I never new but now from way up here its crystal clear I'm in a whole new world with you.
Unbelievable sights, indescribable feeling, soaring, tumbling, free-wheeling through and endless diamond sky.
A whole new world.
dont you dare close your eyes
A hundred thousand things to see.
hold your breath, it gets better
I'm like a shooting star, I've come so far I cant go back to where I use to be.
A whole new world. With new horizons to pursue. I'll chase them anywhere, there's time to spare.
let me share this whole new world with you
A whole new world.
a whole new world
A new fantastic point of view. No one to tell us no, or where to go, or say were only dreaming.
A whole new world.
every turn a surprise
With new horizons to pursue.
every moment gets better
I'll chase them anywhere, there's time to spare
anywhere
theres time to spare
let me share
This whole new world with you
a whole new world
a whole new world
that's where we'll be
where we will be
a thrilling chase,
a wonderous place
For you and............meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."

Time to let by gones be by gones.


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The Power Of The Storm Had Finally Been Brought To A Calm And The Traveler Moved On

Good afternoon friends, I am feeling much more relaxed today but every bit as "up-tight". Much to the dismay of my critics and opposers I am probably goign to remain "up-tight" for some time. I cannot see anytime in the near future when my guard will be let down and anyone will be allowed through those great iron gates of my mind. Well nto anytime soon save for my trip to Vegas this summer, perhaps something then will change but I highly doubt that. Though I hold them dear in my mind, my male companions simply fail to relieve much of my strain and it seems I cannot trust my only near female companion (Angel), and the others do not live close, though I talk to three of them on a regular basis. This has created in me a lack of trust in people, save for those closest to me. I cannot help but laugh at all this, because even though I can easily analize myself and identify the problem I am unable to do anything about it, perhaps I need only rely on time for they say it heals all wounds and buries all problems.

I once used to rely on friends and loved ones to help every once in awhile but I understand that one must rely on themselves. Yet my promise to help others remains strong, if ever somone needed my council, my comfort, my help, or just a non-judgemental ear to listen to their sorrows then I will remain forever at their disposal but I would never expect it of anyone else. I suppose all I can hope for is that this kind of thinking will grow in others and that one day the all will be well.

Private Jackass, may fate guide him through along his path, once explained somethign to me. We were talking late one night (early morning, whatever) about each other and he was speaking of how he saw the two of us and how he compaired us. He was explaining how we each handle relationships with the opposite sex differently. On his side he prefers to date a variety of people and have more youthful fun but doesnt really have the courage to remain with one person and open up to them. Whereas I (in his perception) have a more solitary goal in mind, while I probably need the fun I would rather find one person and build a relationship with them (likely due to the fact that, like any artist, a writer must build and create). That, between the two of us, (and this touched me) "you would treat a woman how she deserves to be treated". That was one of his more profound conversations and the kind of thing that binds us as friends. Though I think he may have over-exaggereated on a few parts.

One thing that may make me more "up-tight" is the fact that I am not actively looking for female companionship any longer. I have more important things to focus on, if such things are out there then they must come to me first, I dont have time to waist going about looking. Though if it does come looking my door is forever open and my mind is always very open to all possibilities.

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As The Traveler Looked Out Into The Storm He Stood Up Proudly And Yelled Into The WInds And Thunder To Blatantly Defy It And Challenge The Power Of That Storm

I was thinking and I have decided that I have more to say. Recently I have heard one of the things that beguiles my anger and brings my blood to a boiling point, the same comment I have heard from 4-5 different people and never to my face "He really needs to get laid". And ya know what? Fuck that. Such stupid comments are beyond contempt. You thought I was uptight before? That I was rather stoggy and upright in how I present myself to other people? Well that kind of thinking makes me even more so because I would not lower myself or demean the ideals of love by using it as a cheap and ugly way of relieving stress. Maybe the rest of this world cant handle the weight of everyday problems but for me, I carry my problems on my shoulders and relieve them the proper way, by solving the problems and ridding myself of those who only cause more of them. I have only just begun to get "up-tight", I welcome anyone with courage to directly face me and present their problems, to do so to a second or third party is utter cowardess. Come to me and I will deal with you directly, if you think you have the ability. But if you dont, then that only shows the world that you fear me and that you do not have it in you to look into my eyes and defend yourself verbally.

But to you who do stand by me and do have the courage to often times stand in front of me and present your problems I humbly thank you and I commend you for the corage to face your problems head on like humans should. Damned be those who would think to try and pull you down to their levels. For it is you who shall help forge the future. I encourage every human being to be all that they can be by facing their problems, be willing to be in touch with their feelings, be willing to cry once in awhile, be strong enough to be gentle, be bold enough to retreat when it is needed, have faith enough in yourself to shrug off the chains of religion and go it alone, be willing to share yourself and yours feelings with friends and loved onces in order to create more fulfilling relationships, and for us to call one another friend.

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The Winds Howled And Thunder Threatened To Deafen The Traveler As He Stood Atop The Seaside Cliffs Marveling At The Power Of The Storm

Greetings friends, I would have posted sooner and in fact I had even written a very nice entry full of interesting things but something went wrong and my Net browser cut me off and delted everything I wrote before I had the chance to post. At any rate I am here now and ready to submit more for the pleasure of your eyes as well as your mind. Lately I have been somewhat sick off and on, mostly allergies to various things I believe. But overall things have been stable at the least and mildly content at best. My anger towards Angel remains moderate and is obvious by my sharp witted comments towards her and my rather arrogant looks. Yet some how I do not feel the leat bit guilty and in truth, I have no reason to.

It is at this time we shall introduce a new character to our little life long play. He shall be called Mr. Happy, a fitting name if ever there was one, though often tiems that happiness is not always so true. And with Mr. Happy comes his "friend", as he is so often fond of saying, Ms. Quiet, so named for her less than talkative nature. As it is this writers observation fo the two, there could not be a better match made in heaven if God himself had tried. However, like all good love stories, the two are forever being torn apart by forces beyond their control, and ocassionally by their own doubts. Mr. Happy is a force of natural positivity whom I consider a very good friend and a trusted confidant. He is always trying to stay positive but also trying to understand the world around him at the same time, two things that do not always mix well. But our Mr. Happy has one very large problem in the middle of his scholastic life, he is very much enraptured and entraced by Ms. Quiet. One can easily tell that the two belong together by the good way they make each other feel, this is obvious to even the most socially dim of humanity. Behind this obvious romantic friendship lies unforseen troubles that seem to keep them apart, though those troubles are apparently less obvious to the outsider. Whatever the troubles though, it is clear that these two belogn together and make one another happy, and afterall what is the point of life if your not happy? And when you find someone that makes you happy should any other opinion or trouble stop you from being with them? It is this writers opinion that NO, just find a way to be happy, thats all that matters.

But this is not a journal about Mr. Happy and Ms. Quiet, this is all about yours truly. Now on to myself. I am not sure what exactly it is that I have been feelign lately but it feels familiar, like something known in a hazy dream. There is always that constant emptiness inside me like something is missing but there is something new that isnt willing to be everyones door-mat and is more than willing to strike back at those who would dare try. Many of my friends are good people who the next sentence does not apply but to those whom it does apply to, listen closely. Compared to the depravity of your lives and the things you do but choose to either forget or sweep under the carpet of your mind......I am God by sheer comparison, I would not hesitate to turn away from the things you do in the shadows of Armory's, Military Bases, and institutions of higher learning. A few of you often profess to be devout christians who are in worship of God, think again little liars, I am 10 times the Christian, remember the Bible preaches no sex before marriage and that God knows the guilt and things you think about, if that was the basis for judgement I would be safe would you? I think not. I would suggest to you that you think twice before judging me, take a look inside first then see if you still have the strength to cast that first stone, and to see what you CHerish in life.

And just in case you all want a perfect example of depravity, betrayl, and utter comtempt for the sanctity of life that this writer holds dear, I submit peoples exhibit #1 http://missangeldust.blogspot.com/

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Slowly The Traveler Strode, Upon The Path As It Wound Its Way High Into The Dark Looming Mountains Ahead

Hello dear readers, im back and it is now October once more. As I have previously mentioned, October is my favorite moth because it contains my favorite holiday, HALLOWEEN!!! I hoping for a good turnout this year and I already have decorating designs planned. Soon I shall venture over to Wal-Mart and buy the necassary supplies so that the children of today can remember the Halloween of yesterday. I well remember the thrill of wandering down the streets from door to door recieving candy and happily wearing my costume, which was always something of the traditional scary design. Today though I see far too much Barney, Power Rangers, Buzz Light Year, and many other non-scary costumes and I find it in bad taste. Halloween is, in its modern form, a day to dress up in scary costumes and go tirk-or-treating, not to dress up as some cutesy character and parade around with UNICEF boxes, dont get me wrong chairity has a place but it is NOT Halloween.

College is going well but right now I'm a tad disorganized and need to buy my books. All my classes are enjoyable, I am especially interested in my Geology and Psychology classes, in fact I am off on a Geology field trip this weekend to near-by Crater Lake. Later I will be going to Mount Saint Helens and Depoe Bay. Of course there is also my first love, acting class. When I think back on all the years I have been taking acting/theatre classes and being involved in plays (about 10-11 years) I understand why I need it. On the whole I am a quiet and shy person, acting/theatre has always given me a place where I feel safe and have an excuse to be louder and bolder than normal and it is Psychology which is helping me to understand that.

As always I continue writing, slow going though it is. Right now I am working on my fantasy novel and I have begun writing a one act play dealing with internal voices and self-fulfilling prophecy, in a modern setting. I am quite pleased with my new play and how the writing is going but my characters need more developing. On a similar note I will soon be starting more work on Westside Story, a production in which I am the assistant stage manager. I look foreward to this project and all the work it entails. I hope someday to publish my play and see it preformed on the stage as well as publish my novel and see it on bookstore shelves alongside the others.

Well this is all for now, I have to go to my Literature class then its off to the movies to see UNDERWORLD. I may post again tonight but if not then goodnight, goobye, goodluck, good God.

SVS

Looking Ahead Upon The Path

Well for no particular reason I'm feeling pretty good tonight. Was kinda thinking about my turning 21 in may and goin to Vegas this summer and I'd like to invite any friends that have the money and time to join me and we'll have some fun. It may be your one shot to see me drunk, which im told is kinda funny. I can kinda see the future here and im predicting a good year ahead, im not sayin run and buy stock but I do encourage anyone and everyone to be more open with me. I'm definately more open to people now and I love to talk. And no im not drunk right now.

SVS

A Dawn Rises On A New Day As The Path Ahead Brings Promises Of New Experiences

Today has brought some interesting thoughts to me today. While I didnt really do much, I did do some thinking (as usual, big surprise right?). Anyway I was thinking that perhaps all that I really need right now, to make me a happier person, are some more immediate reachable goals that will still give me some challenge. And as I was listening to Tenacious's D's "Fuck Her Gently" I got to thinking some more about sex and relationships and it occured to me that all I really need to do is find someone, perhaps two, and seduce one and get to know the other. Im sure that this plan sounds rather twisted but it is what it is and hey I havent had much fun in awhile.

On a slightly different note I am now writing for myself again. Last night I began a new novel in journeys of my long standing character Overon Minite. I have been working on Overon and various novels involving him for a very long time, in fact I even play an online text roleplay to improve the characters depth and nature. I've been playing with and writing this character for about 10 years now and I think I'm finally ready to use him in something serious. A few of you might recall that I came very close to finishing a story involving him several years ago, but that project was abandonded due to some difficulties with the storyline and just not thinking the other characters through enough. However as soon I get a chapter done anyone who wants to read it may request such at any time. Though I only give out readable chapters to people I can trust and they know who they are. This new novel will be following Overon and another character through their lives and perils. Also I will soon be beggining a short play that will involve some degree of comedy and drama, though this is yet undefined.

It has been brought to my attention that lately my personality has been doing some flip-flops, going from being very stoggy and conservative to rather unconcerned and relaxed. Well I'd like to say that this is due to some very heavy decisions that I'll be facing within the next year and right now im not entirely sure what im going to do but I would ask that everyone please bare with me through the coming year. Hopefully this winter and/or summer I'll be able to take some time and relax. I dont think he'll see this before he goes off to Iraq but I know Private Jackass's solution "Dude, you just need to get laid, plain and simple.". Well PVT. J, fo shizzle my nizzle (its a thing between him and me, him trying to get me to say stupid things like that so that was for him), but as I always say back, that may be but I dont really have any opportunities but the first time one presents herself I promise I'll take it up. But for the PVT and all those in Iraq like him with concerned friends and families back here, I hope that peace comes soon and that should death come, may it be swift and merciful. May whatever God or being that may preside over the great universe have mercy on us all. And to the opportunity that has yet to present herself, whomever it may be in this big old world,........good Gods come soon cause im gonna go insane.

Each of us must face our own demons
and each of us my walk to edge of the cliff overlooking the future.
So to each and everyone of you I say
grab onto the demon and jump over the cliff
and force that demon to flap his wings and work for you.

SVS

After Careful Consideration The Traveler Had More To Say

Well after listening to some music and watching a tad bit o tv I have more to add. Actually this is more of a challenge that shall never be heard by anyone other than my readers but I feel that I should share this with at least friends, though my dream gal will probably never hear it, anyway......basically I have always had a fondness for the small wee bit of Irish in me and their fascination for drinking has always intriqued me. But first let me tell you, even though I love to write, read, and think intellectually and all that jazz I can still handle my alcohol, thanks to Private Jackass. In short I can drink most of the people within my age group under the table and I swear the first good looking girl that can drink me under the table, well sir....id be inclined to give her a fair shot. And now on that note, Goodeve tay yall.

SVS

As I Wander Down The Path, Thoughts Of The Fairer Sex Cross My Mind

Sometimes in life you begin to think about the things you've left behind then you stop and wonder if you shouldnt reconsider old possibilities. Of course, I am talking about sex and the wanting thereof. You see I have always believed that I have sacrificed a true social life for continuous study and work. But now I begin to think that perhaps, if I put my mind to it, I could make room for one. Though I can think of any number of things to prevent me from doing so.

It really is hard to find someone these days, especially the ideal one. As I have said before the only thing I truly want, physically, in a woman is red-hair. There is just something about red-hair that screams sexy and sultry. But I'll be honest, my "radar" isnt exactly in tune and I think thats part of the problem, I have a hard time knowing when a woman is expressing interest and it is more than difficult to find a woman with the courage or tenacity to actually initiate a relationship with a guy. But that is the kind of person I would like. As to my perfect woman? Well she would have flame red-hair, preferrably taller but not nesassary, a piercing gaze, a lovely body, and someone who likes a tango-like flirting game.

And now that I sound both desperate and sad by making a damned near dating description I feel like a jackass.

SVS

At Long Last The Inevitable Fork In The Road Has Come And I Know Not Which Way To Go

Its funny how some decisions come up on you so quickly in life isnt it? I lay awake in bed late last night (or early this morning depending on how you wanna look at it), thinking about my financial situation and realized that college is getting harder and harder to fund and something must be done. WHile I considered many possibilities none of them looked good or very probable and spending cash in all of the scenarios would be nill so I began to consider other sources. But I did decide one thing, I need to lose weight and get itno better shape (even though im far better off than i was even a year ago.). I think I may have a plan but its going to take about a year to pull together. But one thing is for sure, I refuse to give up becuase there are always possibilities. However there is one very strong downside to my plan, I must forego relationships other than friendships longer than I already have, this would set me back close to 3 years. For this will take all my concentration and focus but in the end it will be worth it.

SVS

Onward Unto The Chosen Path

Well friends I must say I am in an exceptionally good mood today. This is due to the fact that I start classes next monday, my new laptop computer shall arrive here sometime within the next few days, Angel and I are okay once more, and I've been listening to a rather different kind of music lately. First of all im stoked about classes and mroe than ready to start, well ready after I go finalize some things today. Second, I cant wait to get my laptop and I've always wanted one and I got an excellent deal on it. Third, I cannot convey my happiness at being able to talk to Angel, its hard to be angry at someone you care for so much. Last is the music, well I cant say that is typical, especially of my age or any outside Dublin. I've been listenign to a lot of Irish folk music lately, no real reason except for I was trying to find Toora Loora Looral and then found some others with it. I've found that most of the songs are really upbeat or really sad but both have inspiriation in them and they inspire good feelings. For me part of health includes ones emotions and its always a good idea let yourself every kind of emotion which includes sadness. Its odd but sadness for me teaches me and makes me feel better than most other emotions, there is something redeaming about admitting your grief then rising anew from it. The others are mostly Irish drinking songs, which are always fun.

SVS

When Semi-Intelligent People Do Stupid Things

Ok I've got to take a moment and go off of my typical path of self-righteous blabbering. There are a lot of thing that kinda perturb me and then there are things that typically piss me off. But what really sets me off is when friends or aquaintences do fairly dumb things and I got one of those. Let me break it down for ya, baisically Angel is dating this guy that is a complete waste of breath. Well ok not a total waste cause people are always capable of doing something useful, like shoveling feces or soemthing. Anyway the point is that she dumped him three times (I think) and to put it bluntly she's leading him on. Now I dont know the guy very well but from what she tells me (both good and bad) along with the few times I've met him, he looks like a skinny white woman. I cannot count the many times she's complained about him and ya know what? Ive finally had it with hearing about it cause the next time I hear one complaint about him im ignoring it and walking away/hanging up. I cannot believe that people are this shallow, but hey I usually over-estimate people anyway. I swear there isnt one decent female out there. If I could find just one who has a decent intellect, isnt completely self-absorbed, isnt some fanatic Christian, and is decent looking I'd swear I'd do everythign to keep her. Bunch of lousy self-absorbed mornonic............................................ I think its the combination of finding out so many of the people I know are so self-absorbed in their own little world they depress themselves and everyone around them, cant seem to see the larger world around them, and dont have enough collective intelligence to understand picture books, that has me feeling like hurling anything in my reach across the room. In short......PEOPLE PISS ME OFF CAUSE THEY"RE STUPID.

SVS

Let Not The Ignorrant Or The Foolish Stand In Your Path

Well friends it seems that not even this small city and its citizens can hide from the spreading corruption of white supremecy. I was informed today that during the past weekend White Power supporters washed over the city to leave various kinds of flyers in their wake and looking for support for their cause. Truly I had hoped that such STUPID ideals and CHILDISH acts had been left in the past and had washed away with the failed Nazi regime. I cannot understand how anyone can hate so openly, for me such behavior is unthinkable and such ideals are byeond contempt. When will the rest of you get it through your heads that people are people, be they white, black or any other color, Catholic, Unitarian, whatever. We all share the same fucking genetic code, the same basic design, the same planet, the same basic abilities, and the same future so shape up and stop acting like such pathetic wyrms, its little wonder that you people have to believe in a God because no one else would put up with your crap. Such children. These kind of things get more angry than most people can understand. I can tolerate ignorace for the most part and I can deal with those who dont understand but when it comes to the blind hatred of anyone I get a little testy.
So for any of you who even have the smallest inkling of White Supremecy in you, or any other hate group targeting anyone just because of where they come from, their skin color, or their religion, or any other moronic reason I say GROW UP, ACT LIKE A HUMAN BEING AND TRY AND GIVE SOMETHING TO THE REST OF HUMANITY AND STOP BEING WORTHLESS.

SVS

As The Path Begins Its Descent Into The Unknown Once More The Woods Ahead Look Dark And Forboding........And I Stand Ready To Charge Headlong Into The Depths Of The Unknown Where Angels Fear To Tread

Greetings friends, today has been a bittersweet day for me. But it has only been full of minor mishaps and victories of various sorts and really there is nothing much to write about as far as the day went. However I do have things to discuss. I think I shall start with the subject of friends. Let me run down the status of my various friendships, what few are left.

First and foremst is Pvt. Jackass, whom I have spoken of before. The Pvt and I have been friends ever since 3rd grade and for the most part its been a goodfriendship full of laughs, mishaps, great memories, and some bitter moments. It is the Pvt.'s spontaneous nature, good sense of humor, great outlook on the world, and happiness that has kept us good friends. I dont think there are many people left in the world that I feel this close to, in short the Pvt. is not so much like a brother but now I consider him a brother. But like most brothers, we have our differences. Most of our differences are focused upon the fact that I am idealist who tries very hard to stick to what he believes in no matter what and the Pvt. is a happy go lucky person who prefers to focus on just making every moment of life count and ignoring ideals and pricipals. His path has led him directly into the mouth of the very thing I seek to rid myself of, WAR. But then again, if youve read the other parts of my journal then you already know this. I am by no means ready to give up on the Pvt. and while he heads into battle to fight for money and an unjust cause I await his return to once again engage him upon the field of intellectual combat.

Next is a friend I dont believe Ive spoken of so we shall call him Lips, because of his rather unique lips (though he knows he has another nickname I wont mention here). Anyway Lips and I have been friends since 7th grade when my mother moved in with my step-father and I was forced to transfer from Coos Bay's school district (where all of my friends were) to North Bend (they're basically the same town but still...). Lips and I had one very important thing in common when we met, we hated gym class. Now I dont want to call either one of us slackers, its just that we are more geered towards activities like thinking, writing, reading, learning, and BSing. Lips and I have a lot in common, we are both idealists, both dreamers of a sort, and both always shooting higher than we should with women. Though in Lips's case I think he's actually hit bullseyes before, where as I keep shooting way too high. Overall Lips is a good guy with his heart always in the right place and forever trying to do the "right thing" while still trying to get ahead in life, truly a noble pursuit. He's had soem bad luck with women but he keeps trying and I really have to applaud him for that. The best thing i can say for Lips is that our friendship is shared, I have always included him in my projects because I know he can do just about anything he wants if he tries and he has always included me in his, one of which I have to remember to show up for on Wednesday.

Third is Wonder Boy ( or WB for short). Now I have met a lot of people and read a lot of books, seen a lot of movies but no one out of all of those has ever been able to compare in the spirit of determenation to my friend WB. WB is a guy who will just not quit in life, he has taken some major blows and had obstacles put in his path but he has always found a way out around them no matter what. WB isnt very skilled with women, he's not a big reader, and to be honest sometimes he's just a tad slow on the uptake of some things but he never quits trying. I cant tell you the number of people who have asked me why I hang out with him, why I let him follow me, why Im always helping him and any number of other STUPID comments. But I will say here and now to forever settle any such questions. I have NEVER LET HIM FOLLOW ME I have been honored to have such a person accompany me on the great path of life, I have NEVER given any help that I would not give any other human being no matter who they are and his sucesses have been solely because of his determentation, and foremost he doesnt "FOLLOW" me rather we walk side by side as equals in all things in life.

Fourth is Angel and right now I dont care much to discuss her, because I miss her.

Fifth is one of my favorite people to try and figure out. I previously named her Star but I think StarFire is more appropriate (or SF for short). SF is a true rarity among women and the only female capable of infuriating me without trying. I suppose this isnt all that healthy, to have someone who can anger you so quickly or make you feel incredibly small without knowing it, but they do make life far more interesting. I should say that I had one very large crush on SF once and there was a time when she could turn my knee's to jello and set my mind aflame, well up until I overcame my intimidation by her and got past just her outter beauty. Now im going to flatter her here for a moment because I think she is best described like this to get an idea of the kind of person she is. SF is ever bit her nickname here, she is a gorgeous red head with hair the very color of smoldering flame, that kind of pale skin you only find on a person with freckles, lips just big enough that your eyes tend to focus on them, but should your eyes stray up they would be stilled by two cornflower blue orbs that can show a massive range of emotion but do so well with the hottest of come hither glances and the coldest of icy glares. Ok im done flattering now, that is the way i remember her anyway, I havent actually seen her physical self in some time. But now comes the other part. SF can also be one of the most stubborn mules, idealistic hypocrits, bitchy females, and all around queen of ice you could ever meet. Her personality is day and night all wrapped together. But behind it all? A genuine original woman who's myriad of experiences has made her wise beyond her years. Its little wonder I had such a crush on her. But after speaking with her numerous times I use to wonder what being inimately close to her would be like and I can tell you with certanty that even in her worst moods and most firery moments that she is nothing that I could not handle. I dont pursue her any farther than a friend any longer but to any man who dares to brave this great dragoness, be prepared for battle that will try the strength of your mind, your heart, and though I dont actually know im sure it would be physically trying at times as well. I can see her future and I can say that its a bright one full of adventure and goodluck to her.

Sixth is a woman for whom I have more respect and good ideals of then any other. Sunshine, of whom ive previously spoken, is beyond my full comprehension. All around her I get a sense of genuine goodness like no other, as if she is a beacon of light lost in a great see of dark colors. Her true name even rings of beauty and goodness. Her hair was once the color golden wheat but since she dyed it, its now the color of beautiful Fusias, tips of dark red with a slighty less dark set of red streaks everywhere through that soft straight hair. She is the kind of woman you can see yourself embracing tenderly and just thanking the fates that you are even priveleged enough to gaze upon. Of course im sure there is a darker side to this glaringly beautiful angel, something a little less angelic on the edge of those beautiful eyes. She seems to hint at a more devilish playful side that is just outside the range of sight. Its as if you can imagine her as being the most honest and good person ever to walk or the most devilishly playful and deceptive minx youll ever meet. Personally i think she's a little of both, but then again arent we all?

So to all of you who regocnize yourselves and think I might have a thing or two wrong I invite conversation, as always. And I totally invite a friendly e-mail of a description for me. But especially to Angel, come on dear and lets talk. Im over my anger and now is the time for talk and repair if there can be any possibility for such things.

SVS

In The Distance Lie The Clouds Of The Desolate Winter, While Behind Are The Ever Warm Waters Of Summer, But To Stay And Play Amonst The Warm Waters And Abandon My Course Is Far More Dangerous Than Any Cloud.

Well I have finally felt the cold winds and seen the clouds of fall arrive at long last. I've never really been a Summer person, dont really like the heat, but I absolutely adore Fall. Spring and Winter I could take or leave but there is somtheing dearly special about Fall. The changing colors of the leaves, the cool winds, the bright sun, and the memories of the faded summer are something that one cannot help but look foreward to. With Fall comes Halloween, my favorite holiday, though I think America is slowly destroyign it by removing the elements of fear and horror. I often wonder where the scary costumes, decorations, and traditional masks went. Every year I have strived to create a more traditionally decorated house and add elements of horror to it so that children might get a glimpse at what was and maybe that will promote more of this in the future. I usually take the front entrance to my home and cover it in faux cobwebs, a few window decorations, and a number of various theme decorations. I take old masks and costumes and hang them from the ceiling in various poses, hang a cauldron with dry ice inside, dress up, and have two fog machines going with strobe lights and colored lighting to try and create the perfect theme. Just claiming a lost part of childhood I suppose. I also find the Fall a very reflective time to think about what has transpired in the wispy days of Summer and consider what you will do to get through the bleak days of Winter ahead. But it is the scenery in both Winter and Fall here that I enjoy, the many colors of Fall and the rainy costal storms of winter add an air of dreayness that makes you look foreward to Christmas and Spring.

SVS

Let The Light Of Truth Shine True And Clear Away The Fog Of Doubt And Confusion

I have returned from a a few days rest to think and sort out the numerous thoughts that plague my mind. With the coming of school, possibly a new job, and the departure of an old friend to a far away land I have had to do some thinking. I have always maintained that I enjoy a good challenge and like to explore new ventures but the problem with facing an unprecedented challenge is that there is no course to follow, no chosen path to wander for one must forge their own path through the wood. It seems that I am to forge my own path now, one that diverges from Angel's path. It took some long hard thought but I refuse to back down and admit wrong doing when there was none, I have nothign to apologize for and I shall not. For a long time I considered apologizing, even though I did not know what for, but somewhere admist my clouded mind came a ringing truth, the truth that it was she who openly insulted me by misunderstanding and unless she can see that and admit her own fault then I must leave her behind and forge on ahead to the unkown alone. And while I will nto admit wrongdoing when there is none I will also not simply pretend something did not happen when I know so painfully well that it did. For once it seems I am not the one in need of redemption but rather the one who can hand it out. But I remain resolute in my stance and I have been hurt so for there to be redemption she must ask for it and she must make a bold move for my attention or else there shall be no more.

On another front of my mind is school. This will be the start of my second year in college and while I love every moment of it, the proper course of what I should do still eludes me. On one hand I could easily continue on towards a teaching degree but the problem with youth is that you want everything and anything you can possibly dream of and so it is in my case. While teaching does intrique me so does Cryptozoology, the study of creatures which have not yet been proven to exist, which draws me due to its uniqueness and its newness as well as the unexplored nature of its mission. To study what modern science says does not exist is something that draws me and in a very powerful way. But once more I am drawn in another direction, that of a writer which i have forever been obessed with. Though I guess you could say I already am a writer I still dont feel like one and I often find myself looking to try and be one by my own definition which is anyone who has had a whole novel published, which I have nto yet done. Also the choice of schools after this year will begin to confound me, while I do very much want to go to Ashland and go to SOU I do also feel the drawn to Switzerland's Franklin College and to something else there. But the second seems the more foolish decision, but what says that I cannot be foolish once in a while? For once I want to do something rash that everyone and everything points away from. More importantly I do not want to be HERE anymore, this dull tiny town bores me and yearn desperately for excitement and adventure. To go clubbing, dancing, drinking, and general carousing in places such as NY, LA, Seattle and so many of the other great cities intriques me and draws my interest.

SVS

Let The Guide Me For The Path Is No Longer Clear And I Fear Mis-guidance

Well good friends it seems as if what once was is now gone. I have always maintained that I value knowledge and wisdom above all else but in the opposite I cannot stand blind ignorance. There is something that is much needed to be said and I shall say it here and now. Anyone who professes to fall in love with a person they are judging primairily on looks, such a thing is ignorrant foolishness. Whats more is that when you are snubbed by that same person more than once, already have a boyfriend, and have no loyalty to that boyfriend how can you possibly expect to be trusted? Im a very understanding person but I endured all this and so much more so now that I enter into a time of need emotionally when I may say things that seem "horrible" I expect some understanding and patience and not to talk about that person relationship with that guy. Damned be the friend who expects all of my attention all the time and expects me to tolerate their mistakes and then does not show me the same courtesy. I have listened to others problems for far to freaking long and now im afraid im not listening anymore, its time for to solve my own troubles and look for help but now that I looked and was called horrible I guess I know who is there for me and who WAS NOT. Damn you, damn you all.

Stay True To The Path, Even When Tempted To The False Path

Hello friends, what few of you there are left. It seems that the world is full of the blissfully ignorant these days. What ever happened to the days when people could accept the truth, perhaps nor like it but still accept it? Was there even such a time ever? I wonder. Private Jacass informed me that he will very soon be shipping off to Iraq for a year and when Angel and I discussed this there were several important issues that came to light. The first was that I know now that any trust I have ever placed in either was most likely unwarranted and very foolish of me. How can I trust someone that I am willing to share every intimate and non-intimate detail of my life should they ask but not recieve the same from them? I cant tell you how, not angry, but sad this make me and how low the world seems now. There was something I was going to give to Angel, a meaningful gift for one friend to another but........ The other issue involved the Private more than anythign else. I should take the time to point out that the Private is one of the best friends I have ever known, foolish and often foolhardy though he may be. But the fact is that the Private is going off to a land that does nto want his presence, his government, his dogma, him in general and I agree with them. I do not support his war and I do not support him in this and there is no way I could ever wish him luck. So I wished him the only decent thing that a REASONABLE person could.....a quick and merciful death at the most. I think Angel took this the wrong way. A quick and merciful death is meant as a sign that I love him in my way and that I wish him no pain. But that is more of a "worse case scenario" situation, not a direct wish. In any case I knew the day would come that she and I would have to begin a process of separation of, what was a very good friendship. I swallow back comments and judgement far too often and lately its began to be harder and harder. I have heard so many things from so many people about her but everytime I have ignored it or stood and fought back in her defence with righteous zeal. While I still do not believe all of the things I hear, I do have to wonder and that alone makes me sad, that I can even conceive the possibility. I suppose this is punishment from God for so often calling him a dictator or a tyrant but it does serve my point. Kyrie Eleison (Lord Have Mercy). Right now I am lonely, I am tired, and I have lost more than I ever care to conceive all because I refuse to backdown to foolishness that is supporting a person who is willing to go and kill for his cause those who wish only to be left to themselves, becuase I refuse to support that and choose to give him the only mericful blessing possible when others wouldnt even grant him that. There is a saying "Its better to be hated for what your are than loved for what you arent." and I can say honestly I know who I am and I defend my causes and I put my faith in them and never show false face, can you say the same? Remove your fear and remove whatever masks you hide behind then tell me how vunreable you feel and then try to imagine what fear I live with but how courage leads me on. Then you have the right to question me and my decisions but until you stop hiding keep quiet and keep huddling in fear behind your mask and let life pass you by. I cant help everyone but......God knows im trying.
May your death, should it come, be quick and painless Private, you deserve that much from me.
Angel, open your eyes and your ears and consider time. Then you will understand. We are of a very young age and finding one person to live with for all of life to come is not only foolish but its dangerous to our specie and our souls. Stop chasing every star in the sky, stop looking up, and just look foreward and take it one day at a time.

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May God Damn The Foolishly Pompous And All Those Who Piss Me Off

Welcome back dear readers and welcome to my more angry side. Im afraid Ive become quite agitated tonight by those who profess to know so much about life and its "pleasures" but refuse to listen to the reason of those who can see past their own feet. Whether or not the particular person who has so agitated me see's this or not matters not but they should know who they are by the previous sentence. To engage in ripping them apart in this post, though it is my own damned journal and god knows they more than deserve it, would be foolish on my part so I shall not engage in such acts directly. Rather I will proceed to explain the foolishness of the other party to the other three of you, or more, that read this. This particular person is, quite obviously, unable to see past their own feet in the world. But blame the person not dear readers, for it is I who overestimated them and my fault alone. It is always dissapointing to find a "faker", those persons who put on a clever show and appear to know far more than really do. The cause of my agitation is such, a person who had appeared to know more than they really do because their own insecurities make them afraid of showing anything less than being better than the person they are speaking to. I overestimated this person and took them for being an intelligent being who is capable of seeing beyond themselves to the larger picture of the world when in reality they are nothing more than another person who walks around looking at the ground and never looking up to see the other people, places, or things in front of them becuase they might be to terrifying or to glorious. I suppose I am mostly annoyed because this "faker" has, on more than one ocassion, accused yours truly of not opening his eyes, not being aware of the people around him, and of being an ass. Tell me my readers, is that the same as being a self-righteous waste of collegic aptitude who boasts nothing but intelligence, self sacrifice to help mankind, and having fun with life when they are nothing more than a human unable to control its desires and instead of taking responsibility chooses to call it enjoyment of life and youth? And for that particular human being, damned be they who get angry for reading this because they came willing to read this without my asking them and surely they must be smart enough to realize I am highly agitated right now and they have left me even more agitated, such is the risk of life.
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From Across The Burning Desert Sands To The Lush Forests I have Ventured, Ever Seeking The Light Of Truth Beneath The Gaze Of The Scorching Sun

Greetings my children for I have returned. That's right im back from a short 5 day trip to Reno, Nevada. I am tired, and to warm for words. If ever I thought it was warm here I had forgotten the warmth of Southern California, and Nevada. I dont really have much of a post today but do not despair for I have prewritten (on paper) posts that I wrote during my trip. So sit back, relax, get some alcohol, and read on.

8/22/03- Just As Sodom And Gahmorrah Once Did Reno And Las Vegas, The Twin Cities Of Sin, Are FOrmed As Great Osasis Of Greed That Just Beg For A Smiting.
Hello my avid readers, all (maybe) 3 of you. Todays greeting is being written for you direct from the lesser of the twin cities of sin, Reno Nevada. Right now I sit, pen and paper in hand, relaxing poolside at the Peppermill Hotel Casino (Reno's premier hotel casino, or so they seem to like stating). Though this is not my first visit to the osasis of greed, gluttony, sloth, lust, and the other seven deadly sins, it is the first time I have been here as an adult with true thought. I find that this place totally and utterly confuses me (and drains my wallet). Here I find beauty beyond measure, great testaments to the ingenuity of mankind and yet I am immersed amongst all 7 of the deadly sins and then some. Right now I sit beside a beautiful man made waterfall pool that falls from a man made version of the Sierra Nevada Mountain Range, along with a jacuzzi. In the jacuzzi sit 3 bikini clad women about 18-22, who keep looking my direction with grins and smiles. These women are much like the casion itself, very beautiful on the outside but most likely just as shallow as the kiddy side of the pool on the inside. But oh to be shallow and give into lust and temptation. I should tell you that the first woman able to overcome my will power and make me give into temptation will surely be gifted by a higher power, and I looke foreward to the challenge (and maybe even my defeat). Alas though, for few things truly tempt me in women. Among these things are leather, large breasts, tan skin, and flame red hair. Speaking of leather, as I sat at the Fireside Bar last night I sat watching the leather clad waitress women (all of whom were well blessed in the bust) and thought of how easy these women must drain the pockets of customers simply by smiling alluringly and walking around in the black tight leather. Not really my cup of tea though. I prefer women who are not as sickeningly sweet. But God knows how tempted I would be by a leather clad redhead who has a nice glare, long legs, ample bosom, tight behind, and then an attitude to match, but im afraid ive not found one yet. Relationships aside, that would be my idea of a goodtime, even if there was no true sex. Ahh, its hard being so hard to tempt. Now when talking on the phone, or internet one would think me easy to tempt, but for those few that have tried in real life know me to be unwaveringly stalwart and beyond most womens level of tempatation (or at least I have been in the last 2 years). I rarely get challenges anymore but everyonce inawhile I do. But Im not simply looking for a challenge, I'm searching for someone strong enough to break through that stalwart, righteous shell that contains what is truly me.
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8/24/03- Well dear friends, no quirky title today. Its two days later and im once again poolside. Dont feel like writing much but thought Id put in a few words. Went to the movies today and saw Freddy Vs. Jason, good movie for entertainment value. Came back to the Casino and watched people gamble and did a little of my own (lost) then I went back up here to realize how lonely I get without a someone, so to speak. And soon I shall go walk around then go to bed and feel bored, lonely, and tired.
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Thats it folks, sorry I didnt write more but if ya wanna know more just feel free to ask.
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Though Battle Weary And Tired Of The Journeys Hardships I Raise My Sword And Give My Battlecry Once More As I Charge The Breach

We all have times when we are tired, weary, and generally out of sorts but somedays I would swear mine are worse. There are days, like today, that I feel old and tired, that I have lived far too long and outlived my usefulness. Days when even the soft gentle complex harmonies of the music doesnt serve well enough to soothe me, these are the days that haunt me the most for I feel these are days of my distant future when my body grows past its cellular replenishment rate. Though there are parts of getting old that I look foreward to there are many others that I do not look foreward to. The tiredness, balding, wrinkling, and physical barriers will serve only to frustrate and anger me. As I have stated previously, writing often takes such feelings from me and leaves room for the light of my true self. Even now I can feel the fire of my youth rising in me as my hands are now flying ever faster across the keys and making smooth fluid strokes rather then the tired chicken peckign I was doing only mere moments ago.

But to the more real part of my life. Todays meeting with BB went as well as can be expected for a man with so little realization of himself, the world around him, or the people in it. Of course he thinks everything I write is gold, simply because he hasnt read enough of anything else to know any difference. Basically im just a little irratated that he wants to renegotiate our contract and try and rush me along, which doesnt sit well with me. But im sure it will work itself out given time and careful thought.

I hope to post again later tonight.


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To Look Back And Know The Future Of Yesterday Then To Use That Knowledge To Light The Way Along The Path Of Today Is To Truly Be Wise

As im sure many will be, our topic for today is that awe inspiring force that poets and songwriters have adorded for so long, Love. Tonight, though I do not feel as bad as last time, I feel quite lonely. There is something about looking out your window and seeing the stars then looking back at your own life that makes oen feel truely alone in the great universe. I suppose I most often wonder why it has to me who is alone and not someone else? Or what the point is of going on with life if you are to be forever alone. It is time like this that I remember the words of Shakespeare and the title of the journal "Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more...." meaning that maybe if I keep giving one more shot something fruitful will come of it. So far this method hasnt worked by I keep hoping. But then again I suppose ive never really given dating a chance either. Normally I get frustrated of having to wait or having to be the one to make the move simply because I was born male. I am by no means a weak man, I stand for myself and my beliefs as strongly as any other man you can name but when it comes to dating and relationships I prefer to share in the responsibility. For once I would like to meet a woman with the backbone to ask me out rather than slink away beneath my glare, look from afar and expect me to notice, or simply flirt then dash any possibilities on the rocks of misery. Many atime Angel has tried to tell me to wait or that im simply better off. But you cant say that unless you stand outside the gates of paradise looking in, to simply stand inside and talk to those outside and say that they are "better off" means nothing to those outside. If I but had a chance at a relationship with someone whom I can talk with and simply be happy with then I know that any troubles that would arise I could simply remove from our way or correct easily enough. To one such as me where I can look at a problem and see it for what it is, not a gargantuan monster, but rather a small pebble in ones shoe then I can simply pluck it out and alls will be well...........and im sounding rather shakespearean tonight.

I would never belittle anothers problem because I realize that even the smallest of problems in a single persons life can seem like a mountain of trouble and having someone tell you its nothing serves only to fuel your anger. But sometimes you cant help but look at others lives and think of solutions for their problems and think how grand it would be to have their lives. Sometimes I look at Angels life this way. Aside from her national guard duties I look at her personal life that she tells me of and the men in her life and I cant help but think, to me, how easily solved such problems are. But then I think that to her these things must seem as daunting as my lonliness and that is the time I feel for her because I know what it is to be intimidated by the events in your own life. I should also mention that I use Angel in many of my references and points in life, because she is diverse enough to fit into many of my topics. Whereas Private Jackass isnt quite that diverse. But I should speak some more about him. The Private and I have been friends, basically, ever since 3rd grade and in all that time we got along really well until about our sophmore to junior years of highschool and then things began to diminish. It was then that I started to do alot of theatre work in the school and community. If anyone has ever been involved with the theatre then they know that all problems in life are amplified by beign around other theatre people because everyone takes life to an extreme and every problem is ten times as large and every pleasure ten times as important, and relationships in the theatre are monsterous. Anyway, I suppose I began to develop this overly serious outlook on life and the Private and I began to argue more and more. It was also here that my relationship with the Ferret, a friend who was a very loyal friend but not always the smartest, ended. The Ferret and I had been friends since Kindergarten and had always gotten along except for small, and sometimes violent, fights. But come highschool the Ferret and I had more and more fights until it finally ended and we stopped speaking. Well the Private was also a mutual fried of both the Ferret's and mine. The Private now had to be friends to both but never all three together. The private and I had more and more arguments about him not being serious enough, which he isnt, and me being overly serious and stressing too much, which I do. You see, the private doesnt like to face up to life, he prefers to act all bold and quietly macho but when a true test of life, friendship, relationships, maturity, or anything fairly serious comes along he simply laughs and says "fuck it" and that is no somethign I can abide by. I tend to take such matters and brush them out of my way, which also isnt facing them, but I think about them and tend to try and fix them, which is technically facing them, but the private wont even try that.

Anyway I'm very tired and I have a meeting with BB, an aquantiance of mine whom Im writing a book for, at 10 in the morning and I need to go get some sleep. If I do not write tomorrow or hte next day then it shall be awhile before my next post. I will be away on some business.

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Ahead Lies The Path Of Glory And Danger While Behind Is The Way To Cowardness And Safety

I must confess that tonight I do not feel myself, I fee extremely lonely and depressed for no explainable or forseeable reason. In honor of this depression I have cranked up my classical music and even now my head moves with the movements of the compusre as do my fingers across the keyboard. But I can find no explanation for this odd depression, something simply does not feel right and that bothers me very much. I will take thsi time to mention that as I write this my ears have the divine privelage to listen to one of the greatest compsures in existence, Pachelbel-Canon in D Major. The movements in this piece are simply without words. Beauty, rythm, grace, happiness, sadness, future, past, hope, loss, and love all come together in this to form music so moving that it stirs the very core of the human sole in such a way that tears, be they happy or sad, threaten to break through ones eyes. Already I feel the music beggining to work its medice upon me. I have always maintained that music, be it classical composures or Maryilyn Manson, has a healing property all its own and that nothing, no miracle drug or prayer, can quite match it. To take something that moves you in such a way, as this piece does me, and let it course through your blood, bones, heart, and indeed your soul helps to calm and even ones emotions out and even to make the world seem more bearable. One of my requests of any future children or spouse is that when the day comes that my lifeforce has finally come to its end and it is time to retire myself, that this piece be played so that all attending my services mught have a chance to feel what I have felt and to share in its glory. To me this piece speaks of how beautiful life is and the glory that it is just to simply be alive and aware of ones self. There is also a great element of sadness in this that speaks of no matter how beautiful or glorious something like life can be it still isnt meant to last forever and that one day it will eventually fade so we should enjoy what we have while we have it. This is a way I enjoy looking at life, that its beauty is unmatched and that beauty can be felt and seen in every aspect of that life, be it in a flower, cup of coffee, another person, or a dead tree.

I want to take a moment or two and talk about people in general. No matter how horrid, how horrible, or awful the actions of a person can be I believe they still have great amounts of beauty within them and that perhaps these terrible actions are a way of countering that beauty. Be they Adolf Hitler or Sadam Hussein, there is still beauty within. I cannot help but admire other people. In Hitler, besides the killing and atrotious deeds, I saw a man who loved whis people and his heritage so much he was willing to stop at nothing to protect those ideas and preserve them. In Sadam I see a man who has a love for his people as well but that love has become so twisted and weakened that it no longer resembles what it started out to be. In life we are so quick to judge such men by their actions without considering first what they are truly doing. In my opinion it is wrong to kill another human being no matter the horridness of the crime. Now I know that seems drastic and I have heard the arguements before; "Well you'd kill someone if they came in and killed your entire family wouldnt you?" The answer is simply and honestly "I do not know", I do know that I would feel like I wanted to kill them but as to whether I would or not? Well that can only be seen if that situation ever arises but I would like to believe that, even though I would want to, I could never bring myself to depribe another person of the most precious gift that is life. To me there is nothing more precious, more dear, more beautiful, or more simplistic than life and to live. It is unique and it is given to us, and no person has a right to take that gift from another person. I think of murder as theft, becuase if life is truly a "gift" then to murder someone is to steal that "gift", to take it from someone. Be it in self defense, in war, or any other possible situation it is still the theft of life and it is plain and simple murder. The only possible murder that can ever be said to be correct is Suicide, because you are stealing from only yourself. Arugeably though you are stealing from those who love and carea bout you because they have come to rely upon your gift and have intwound it with their own.

It seems, now that I feel a bit better, and i think it is the combination of having writter, having created thoughts and ideas then shared them alogn with the beauty of this soul moving music. Today was one of my better days too. Today Angel and I went for a walk around some local lakes and talked and enjoyed one another company. It is days like this when the sun is shining, the water is cool and reflective, I have a wonderful friend who happens to be a gorgeous woman beside me keeping me company that I cant help but wonder if perhaps life is nothing but a massive picture. Angel and I walked and talked for nearly four hours today. We sat upon a park bench and sat comfortably in one another arms and simply admired the beauty of the day. It is a pitty that more people cannot seem to reach this level of simplistic happiness where they can sit in one anothers embrace and just enjoy the feel and presence of the other and the joy that can bring without ever giving a thought to more complex things such as romance, love, sex, lust, or other various complex forms of this simplistic joy that is a person whom you care deeply for being near and sharing in the bright light of their life and in turn letting them share in yours. I wish and hope one day that Sunshine, and another friend whom I shall call The Star, will read this and truly know what goes through my mind and know that I am so much more than I am capable of letting them see. Also for Private Jackass I hope that you get something from all this.

Yours in Life

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Through the Forests of Depression, Mountains of Misery, and Oceans of Hate the Journey along the Path of RIghteousness Continues.

My Angel was most gratified to read my previous posts about her which made me miss her absence all the more. But now is the time to test the strength of our friendship because we are both on the apex of our lives, a place where we are both have a lot to do in a limited amount of time and only the strength of true friendship can hope to bind us. I feel rather poetic tonight, mainly because I am listening to a bit of classical music and I can feel the very notes coursing through my blood as it ranges from boiling to cooling so that I might feel the full effect of the music. Anyway I mentioned I miss Angel, and I cannot begin to describe to you how awkward it is to miss someone that is not but a 10 minutes journay away by foot. I saw her today in our Wal-Mart with her mother, this is why my entry is mostly about her. There is so much I could say, both good and bad, about Angel. I could describe to you her bad luck, that she makes herself, with relationships (romantic relationships anyway) or how she tends to ignore all the bad things in life in hopes of being able to smile through it and denying herself the luxury of a good cry. But I could also describe to you her way of making those around her feel privelged to be in her company, how she brightens a room with her presence, smiles and trys to look on the bright side of everything, has a strong determentation to finish whatever she starts, to prove her mental and physical strength in anyway she can, and keeps on trying to find the perfect guy. But she is still a very good and special friend. In fact she is SUPPOSED TO BE TRYING TO HOOK ME UP WITH A MUTUAL FRIEND and I only put that in caps to remind her.

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Seeing Through The Fog Along The Path

Tonight I am alive with thoughts and theories, mainly thanks to Private Jackass. The Private and I had a long, and very meaningful, conversation about life and some of the theories regaurding A.I. (Artificial Intelligence). He asked many question of me, about my opinions on things. One of his best questions reguarded God; "If A.I. is possible, or already taking/taken place then where does God fit into all this?" And immediately my mind saw the question and two possible answers and the first was rather ironic. Despite all the Privates faults and bad parts he does make a good friend and an excellent sounding board for my thoughts, theories, and ideas. When he asked that question he truly gave me a gift, I treasure questions like that and I appreciate that question a lot. Anyway on to my answer. The first possibiity is that we are to God what computers are to us. We created computers a number of years ago and since then we have made movies about computers taking over and killing us (I.E. The Matrix) or doing worse, but basically overthrowing us. Now the reason I dont believe they pose a threat, even if they had A.I., is because computer thought is based entirely on logical premises and concepts, whereas human thought is based on emotionial inspiration and aspiration to be more than what we are. The problem with computers is that they will never be able to aspire to take over the world, over-throw their masters, or anything of the kind because aspiration is a chemical process within the human brain, or perhaps its spiritual but no matter what, it is not electronic and doesnt exist within computer protocol or complex algorithms. This connects us to God in the same way becuase I have no doubt that God, either purposely or unwittingly, left out of us the possibility to overthrow his divine rule and thus leaving us, not entirely but, essentially powerless against his will. Whether we are a tool for God as computers are for us remains to be seen so our true purpose in life has yet to be revealed to us. And that is how we are to God what computers are to us. The other possible answer to the question of how God figures into technology, specifically that of A.I., is that we, in creating A.I., have actually created a whole new form of life all on its own. We usually percieve A.I. to be thinking on our levels but lets suppose that A.I. is not thinking that large and doesnt actually think outwardly but thinking inwardly. Basically what I am getting at is that in creating A.I. we would create a whole new universe, though we cant see it, and in that universe are plantes and people ect. In this way we would be the creators of any number of races and lifeforms and therefore by definition we are Gods. But do we know we are Gods? No, we wouldnt know but that doesnt mean that the people we created would find us any less important and in that we may see a parody of what God is to us. Perhaps God unwittingly created us and doesnt even know about us but that doesnt make what he did any less important to us because what matters to us is that we are alive and we are, for the most part, thankful for that life. This post brought to you thanks to Private Jackass, thank you PVT.

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Lingering Thoughts Of The Roads Not Taken


I felt it necessary to write another entry tonight because there is so much on my mind these days. One of those things is regret. We all have things we wish we'd have done differently, we all have roads not taken. But as I have stated before, these entries are about me and my perceptions of the world around me and I feel like talking about my untaken roads. Like so many men in the world many of my untaken roads have to do with women. I could list any number of women I have had chances for relationships with, chances for sexual encounters, and chances for any number of other things but it is women that I see now and see their happiness that haunt me the most. This leads me to my sexual beliefs which are greatly varied. I believe one way but long for another way. A good friend of mine, we shall refer to him as Private Jackass, once told me several things about women that both made me laugh and made me want to ring his neck. You see I am a man who firmly believes in equality among all humans despite their color, race, heritage, sex, or what have you. One of the things he told me was that you (referring to me and other men of the heterosexual persuasion) should never get married to the first "chick" you have sex with (though the way he said it was far more colorful anf crude) because you have no basis for comparison. Now it seems to me that, in a relationship, you should worry more about emotional and personal conflict rather than sexual strategy so naturally this irked me a little. But it was the other thing he told me that really made me angry. He once said that when it comes to a woman interrupting the relationship of two males friends "Bro's before Ho's", of all the things people say I cannot stand stupid dumbass, piece of crap, absolutely stone-age, male schauvanistic, macho, garbage sayings like that. Personally I think anyone that spouts out that crap arent even worthy of the friends that put up with that. This was especially annoying becuase he was speaking of one of my dearest friends, we shall call her Angel, and he is not worthy of the attention she puts towards him nor is he worthy, at the moment, of any woman who looks his way. Maybe I think this way because in my mind I hold women very dear to me and I respect my female friend much more than I do my male friends. I have always held a special affinity for women in friendships and I often hold them higher than the males in my life simply because I have never had as many women lie to me as I have men nor do they act in stupid macho mannerisms.

Now that were on the subject, lets talk a little about Angel. Angel and I have been friends since about Junior year in high school and that was about 5-6 years ago, though everytime I say that it only seems like 4 years. When we first met I was very attracted to her and ill be honest, I was attracted to her because she was a tall big busted blond, hey im male and I have hormones what can I say? Anyway we developed a relationship based on friendship that lasts to this day, a friendship that I Cherish. This is probably one of my most meaningful and coveted friendships because I get so much out of it and put so much into it. It means alot to me that despite the fact that I make her angry she puts up with it and just smiles through it. I wont lie and say she never makes me angry because she does, especially some of her descisions, but I always try to remind myself that I can be over-protective and need to be supportive of her in all her endeavors. One of her endeavors is that of joining a branch of the military and I highly disagree with that descision. First of all I am not in support of any military at all because of the violent nature inherent in its use but in her case its different. As far as wars, military, and violence go I have always associated those things with men and men alone because I foolishly blame my gender for most of the violence in life. I guess I just dont want to think of my Angel in a situation where she could be hurt or killed and death is not something I deal with well. I have a need for control in life and death is simply not something I can control for her or protect her from and that bothers me. If it takes everything in life, I will find a cure for natural death and I will stop it. Anyway, she, wisely, chooses to pursue her own path in life but god does she ever worry me sometimes.

Close to me, also, is Private Jackass. Private Jackass is a private in a brach of the military, ive already stated how I feel about the military, and we have known each other since 3rd grade, thats about 14-16 years. As we have gotten older we have began to grow apart, though he denies this, and our views on life and the issues therein have become increasingly at odds. Private Jackass is one of many who are blind to the very world around him, incapable of seeing the greater scheme of things and recognizing the massive tapestry that each of us are inexplicably woven into. I have tried, for years, to open his eyes to this and still he refuses to see, I suspect he does this because to recognize his small tiny part in the universe would simply scare him too much. Among many things I prize balance above all else in life and the Private is very unbalanced, though stable. I have tried to teach him that balance must be maintained in life in order to be the most happy and content but again he prefers to be blind. He reminds me very much of men that commit a crime and go to jail for a long time then are finally released but becuase all they know is jail life, and are scared to try anything new and re-join society, they go out and commit the same or different crime in order to be sent back to jail. In this way he has created his own prison which he shall forever be trapped in and it will remain the same until the day he dies unless someone, with more strength than I, am able to open his eyes, though he will first have to want to open them. At this time I would like to state that I know some of these people will read these entries and they may recognize themselves but the point of these entries are for me to ventilate and if these people are hurt, offended, or generally wierded out then they must learn to deal with that, after all having a relationship with someone means to know and accept them for all that they are.

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