Even Gods Die

So last wednesday, Feb. 16th, I found out my father passed away on Jan. 4th, 2011. I found out because a cousin sent me a facebook message saying "Was Gary Stengar your father?" and there was something about the "was" that gave me a bad feeling. I googled my fathers name, Gary Gale Stengar, and found his obituary. There was a feeling of disbelief, and I truly didnt believe it. I had to check with other family members to find out it was true. Odd that I could find them to contact them but not the other way around.

Dad and I hadnt been getting along very well these past few years. I hadnt seen him in nearly a year, hadnt emailed him in months and talked to him in almost a year. Though he wasnt always present, his presence was always here with me. I miss him more than words can ever hope to express, I feel a great sense of loss and the absence of that warm presence hurts so much. I can only hope that he died knowing how much I loved him, I know that he loved me.

Gary Stengar wasnt a man who openly expressed his feelings easy but everytime we had to part he told me he loved me and told me to be good. It may not seem like much to some but to me it meant everything. He was a big man, full of love and intelligence. I remember the strength in his arms when he'd give me a hug, the bold laughter so full of life. He died of a heart attack, in his sleep, he always said he wished to die in his sleep.

Even now its hard to think of him as gone. To me he was larger than life, falable but invincible. He was my ideal of what a man should be. I could have seen him anytime I wanted, but chose not to. Now he's gone and I'll never be able to see him again, never be able to hug him and tell him how proud I am to be his son, talk with him about things, never be able to introduce him to a girlfriend, never be able to invite him to my wedding, show him his grandchildren, I will never see my father again and for that I will never be able to forgive myself.

I love you Dad and I will miss you so much.

Shawn Vincent Stengar