Let The Guide Me For The Path Is No Longer Clear And I Fear Mis-guidance

Well good friends it seems as if what once was is now gone. I have always maintained that I value knowledge and wisdom above all else but in the opposite I cannot stand blind ignorance. There is something that is much needed to be said and I shall say it here and now. Anyone who professes to fall in love with a person they are judging primairily on looks, such a thing is ignorrant foolishness. Whats more is that when you are snubbed by that same person more than once, already have a boyfriend, and have no loyalty to that boyfriend how can you possibly expect to be trusted? Im a very understanding person but I endured all this and so much more so now that I enter into a time of need emotionally when I may say things that seem "horrible" I expect some understanding and patience and not to talk about that person relationship with that guy. Damned be the friend who expects all of my attention all the time and expects me to tolerate their mistakes and then does not show me the same courtesy. I have listened to others problems for far to freaking long and now im afraid im not listening anymore, its time for to solve my own troubles and look for help but now that I looked and was called horrible I guess I know who is there for me and who WAS NOT. Damn you, damn you all.

Stay True To The Path, Even When Tempted To The False Path

Hello friends, what few of you there are left. It seems that the world is full of the blissfully ignorant these days. What ever happened to the days when people could accept the truth, perhaps nor like it but still accept it? Was there even such a time ever? I wonder. Private Jacass informed me that he will very soon be shipping off to Iraq for a year and when Angel and I discussed this there were several important issues that came to light. The first was that I know now that any trust I have ever placed in either was most likely unwarranted and very foolish of me. How can I trust someone that I am willing to share every intimate and non-intimate detail of my life should they ask but not recieve the same from them? I cant tell you how, not angry, but sad this make me and how low the world seems now. There was something I was going to give to Angel, a meaningful gift for one friend to another but........ The other issue involved the Private more than anythign else. I should take the time to point out that the Private is one of the best friends I have ever known, foolish and often foolhardy though he may be. But the fact is that the Private is going off to a land that does nto want his presence, his government, his dogma, him in general and I agree with them. I do not support his war and I do not support him in this and there is no way I could ever wish him luck. So I wished him the only decent thing that a REASONABLE person could.....a quick and merciful death at the most. I think Angel took this the wrong way. A quick and merciful death is meant as a sign that I love him in my way and that I wish him no pain. But that is more of a "worse case scenario" situation, not a direct wish. In any case I knew the day would come that she and I would have to begin a process of separation of, what was a very good friendship. I swallow back comments and judgement far too often and lately its began to be harder and harder. I have heard so many things from so many people about her but everytime I have ignored it or stood and fought back in her defence with righteous zeal. While I still do not believe all of the things I hear, I do have to wonder and that alone makes me sad, that I can even conceive the possibility. I suppose this is punishment from God for so often calling him a dictator or a tyrant but it does serve my point. Kyrie Eleison (Lord Have Mercy). Right now I am lonely, I am tired, and I have lost more than I ever care to conceive all because I refuse to backdown to foolishness that is supporting a person who is willing to go and kill for his cause those who wish only to be left to themselves, becuase I refuse to support that and choose to give him the only mericful blessing possible when others wouldnt even grant him that. There is a saying "Its better to be hated for what your are than loved for what you arent." and I can say honestly I know who I am and I defend my causes and I put my faith in them and never show false face, can you say the same? Remove your fear and remove whatever masks you hide behind then tell me how vunreable you feel and then try to imagine what fear I live with but how courage leads me on. Then you have the right to question me and my decisions but until you stop hiding keep quiet and keep huddling in fear behind your mask and let life pass you by. I cant help everyone but......God knows im trying.
May your death, should it come, be quick and painless Private, you deserve that much from me.
Angel, open your eyes and your ears and consider time. Then you will understand. We are of a very young age and finding one person to live with for all of life to come is not only foolish but its dangerous to our specie and our souls. Stop chasing every star in the sky, stop looking up, and just look foreward and take it one day at a time.

SVS

May God Damn The Foolishly Pompous And All Those Who Piss Me Off

Welcome back dear readers and welcome to my more angry side. Im afraid Ive become quite agitated tonight by those who profess to know so much about life and its "pleasures" but refuse to listen to the reason of those who can see past their own feet. Whether or not the particular person who has so agitated me see's this or not matters not but they should know who they are by the previous sentence. To engage in ripping them apart in this post, though it is my own damned journal and god knows they more than deserve it, would be foolish on my part so I shall not engage in such acts directly. Rather I will proceed to explain the foolishness of the other party to the other three of you, or more, that read this. This particular person is, quite obviously, unable to see past their own feet in the world. But blame the person not dear readers, for it is I who overestimated them and my fault alone. It is always dissapointing to find a "faker", those persons who put on a clever show and appear to know far more than really do. The cause of my agitation is such, a person who had appeared to know more than they really do because their own insecurities make them afraid of showing anything less than being better than the person they are speaking to. I overestimated this person and took them for being an intelligent being who is capable of seeing beyond themselves to the larger picture of the world when in reality they are nothing more than another person who walks around looking at the ground and never looking up to see the other people, places, or things in front of them becuase they might be to terrifying or to glorious. I suppose I am mostly annoyed because this "faker" has, on more than one ocassion, accused yours truly of not opening his eyes, not being aware of the people around him, and of being an ass. Tell me my readers, is that the same as being a self-righteous waste of collegic aptitude who boasts nothing but intelligence, self sacrifice to help mankind, and having fun with life when they are nothing more than a human unable to control its desires and instead of taking responsibility chooses to call it enjoyment of life and youth? And for that particular human being, damned be they who get angry for reading this because they came willing to read this without my asking them and surely they must be smart enough to realize I am highly agitated right now and they have left me even more agitated, such is the risk of life.
SVS

From Across The Burning Desert Sands To The Lush Forests I have Ventured, Ever Seeking The Light Of Truth Beneath The Gaze Of The Scorching Sun

Greetings my children for I have returned. That's right im back from a short 5 day trip to Reno, Nevada. I am tired, and to warm for words. If ever I thought it was warm here I had forgotten the warmth of Southern California, and Nevada. I dont really have much of a post today but do not despair for I have prewritten (on paper) posts that I wrote during my trip. So sit back, relax, get some alcohol, and read on.

8/22/03- Just As Sodom And Gahmorrah Once Did Reno And Las Vegas, The Twin Cities Of Sin, Are FOrmed As Great Osasis Of Greed That Just Beg For A Smiting.
Hello my avid readers, all (maybe) 3 of you. Todays greeting is being written for you direct from the lesser of the twin cities of sin, Reno Nevada. Right now I sit, pen and paper in hand, relaxing poolside at the Peppermill Hotel Casino (Reno's premier hotel casino, or so they seem to like stating). Though this is not my first visit to the osasis of greed, gluttony, sloth, lust, and the other seven deadly sins, it is the first time I have been here as an adult with true thought. I find that this place totally and utterly confuses me (and drains my wallet). Here I find beauty beyond measure, great testaments to the ingenuity of mankind and yet I am immersed amongst all 7 of the deadly sins and then some. Right now I sit beside a beautiful man made waterfall pool that falls from a man made version of the Sierra Nevada Mountain Range, along with a jacuzzi. In the jacuzzi sit 3 bikini clad women about 18-22, who keep looking my direction with grins and smiles. These women are much like the casion itself, very beautiful on the outside but most likely just as shallow as the kiddy side of the pool on the inside. But oh to be shallow and give into lust and temptation. I should tell you that the first woman able to overcome my will power and make me give into temptation will surely be gifted by a higher power, and I looke foreward to the challenge (and maybe even my defeat). Alas though, for few things truly tempt me in women. Among these things are leather, large breasts, tan skin, and flame red hair. Speaking of leather, as I sat at the Fireside Bar last night I sat watching the leather clad waitress women (all of whom were well blessed in the bust) and thought of how easy these women must drain the pockets of customers simply by smiling alluringly and walking around in the black tight leather. Not really my cup of tea though. I prefer women who are not as sickeningly sweet. But God knows how tempted I would be by a leather clad redhead who has a nice glare, long legs, ample bosom, tight behind, and then an attitude to match, but im afraid ive not found one yet. Relationships aside, that would be my idea of a goodtime, even if there was no true sex. Ahh, its hard being so hard to tempt. Now when talking on the phone, or internet one would think me easy to tempt, but for those few that have tried in real life know me to be unwaveringly stalwart and beyond most womens level of tempatation (or at least I have been in the last 2 years). I rarely get challenges anymore but everyonce inawhile I do. But Im not simply looking for a challenge, I'm searching for someone strong enough to break through that stalwart, righteous shell that contains what is truly me.
SVS

8/24/03- Well dear friends, no quirky title today. Its two days later and im once again poolside. Dont feel like writing much but thought Id put in a few words. Went to the movies today and saw Freddy Vs. Jason, good movie for entertainment value. Came back to the Casino and watched people gamble and did a little of my own (lost) then I went back up here to realize how lonely I get without a someone, so to speak. And soon I shall go walk around then go to bed and feel bored, lonely, and tired.
SVS

Thats it folks, sorry I didnt write more but if ya wanna know more just feel free to ask.
SVS

Though Battle Weary And Tired Of The Journeys Hardships I Raise My Sword And Give My Battlecry Once More As I Charge The Breach

We all have times when we are tired, weary, and generally out of sorts but somedays I would swear mine are worse. There are days, like today, that I feel old and tired, that I have lived far too long and outlived my usefulness. Days when even the soft gentle complex harmonies of the music doesnt serve well enough to soothe me, these are the days that haunt me the most for I feel these are days of my distant future when my body grows past its cellular replenishment rate. Though there are parts of getting old that I look foreward to there are many others that I do not look foreward to. The tiredness, balding, wrinkling, and physical barriers will serve only to frustrate and anger me. As I have stated previously, writing often takes such feelings from me and leaves room for the light of my true self. Even now I can feel the fire of my youth rising in me as my hands are now flying ever faster across the keys and making smooth fluid strokes rather then the tired chicken peckign I was doing only mere moments ago.

But to the more real part of my life. Todays meeting with BB went as well as can be expected for a man with so little realization of himself, the world around him, or the people in it. Of course he thinks everything I write is gold, simply because he hasnt read enough of anything else to know any difference. Basically im just a little irratated that he wants to renegotiate our contract and try and rush me along, which doesnt sit well with me. But im sure it will work itself out given time and careful thought.

I hope to post again later tonight.


SVS

To Look Back And Know The Future Of Yesterday Then To Use That Knowledge To Light The Way Along The Path Of Today Is To Truly Be Wise

As im sure many will be, our topic for today is that awe inspiring force that poets and songwriters have adorded for so long, Love. Tonight, though I do not feel as bad as last time, I feel quite lonely. There is something about looking out your window and seeing the stars then looking back at your own life that makes oen feel truely alone in the great universe. I suppose I most often wonder why it has to me who is alone and not someone else? Or what the point is of going on with life if you are to be forever alone. It is time like this that I remember the words of Shakespeare and the title of the journal "Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more...." meaning that maybe if I keep giving one more shot something fruitful will come of it. So far this method hasnt worked by I keep hoping. But then again I suppose ive never really given dating a chance either. Normally I get frustrated of having to wait or having to be the one to make the move simply because I was born male. I am by no means a weak man, I stand for myself and my beliefs as strongly as any other man you can name but when it comes to dating and relationships I prefer to share in the responsibility. For once I would like to meet a woman with the backbone to ask me out rather than slink away beneath my glare, look from afar and expect me to notice, or simply flirt then dash any possibilities on the rocks of misery. Many atime Angel has tried to tell me to wait or that im simply better off. But you cant say that unless you stand outside the gates of paradise looking in, to simply stand inside and talk to those outside and say that they are "better off" means nothing to those outside. If I but had a chance at a relationship with someone whom I can talk with and simply be happy with then I know that any troubles that would arise I could simply remove from our way or correct easily enough. To one such as me where I can look at a problem and see it for what it is, not a gargantuan monster, but rather a small pebble in ones shoe then I can simply pluck it out and alls will be well...........and im sounding rather shakespearean tonight.

I would never belittle anothers problem because I realize that even the smallest of problems in a single persons life can seem like a mountain of trouble and having someone tell you its nothing serves only to fuel your anger. But sometimes you cant help but look at others lives and think of solutions for their problems and think how grand it would be to have their lives. Sometimes I look at Angels life this way. Aside from her national guard duties I look at her personal life that she tells me of and the men in her life and I cant help but think, to me, how easily solved such problems are. But then I think that to her these things must seem as daunting as my lonliness and that is the time I feel for her because I know what it is to be intimidated by the events in your own life. I should also mention that I use Angel in many of my references and points in life, because she is diverse enough to fit into many of my topics. Whereas Private Jackass isnt quite that diverse. But I should speak some more about him. The Private and I have been friends, basically, ever since 3rd grade and in all that time we got along really well until about our sophmore to junior years of highschool and then things began to diminish. It was then that I started to do alot of theatre work in the school and community. If anyone has ever been involved with the theatre then they know that all problems in life are amplified by beign around other theatre people because everyone takes life to an extreme and every problem is ten times as large and every pleasure ten times as important, and relationships in the theatre are monsterous. Anyway, I suppose I began to develop this overly serious outlook on life and the Private and I began to argue more and more. It was also here that my relationship with the Ferret, a friend who was a very loyal friend but not always the smartest, ended. The Ferret and I had been friends since Kindergarten and had always gotten along except for small, and sometimes violent, fights. But come highschool the Ferret and I had more and more fights until it finally ended and we stopped speaking. Well the Private was also a mutual fried of both the Ferret's and mine. The Private now had to be friends to both but never all three together. The private and I had more and more arguments about him not being serious enough, which he isnt, and me being overly serious and stressing too much, which I do. You see, the private doesnt like to face up to life, he prefers to act all bold and quietly macho but when a true test of life, friendship, relationships, maturity, or anything fairly serious comes along he simply laughs and says "fuck it" and that is no somethign I can abide by. I tend to take such matters and brush them out of my way, which also isnt facing them, but I think about them and tend to try and fix them, which is technically facing them, but the private wont even try that.

Anyway I'm very tired and I have a meeting with BB, an aquantiance of mine whom Im writing a book for, at 10 in the morning and I need to go get some sleep. If I do not write tomorrow or hte next day then it shall be awhile before my next post. I will be away on some business.

SVS

Ahead Lies The Path Of Glory And Danger While Behind Is The Way To Cowardness And Safety

I must confess that tonight I do not feel myself, I fee extremely lonely and depressed for no explainable or forseeable reason. In honor of this depression I have cranked up my classical music and even now my head moves with the movements of the compusre as do my fingers across the keyboard. But I can find no explanation for this odd depression, something simply does not feel right and that bothers me very much. I will take thsi time to mention that as I write this my ears have the divine privelage to listen to one of the greatest compsures in existence, Pachelbel-Canon in D Major. The movements in this piece are simply without words. Beauty, rythm, grace, happiness, sadness, future, past, hope, loss, and love all come together in this to form music so moving that it stirs the very core of the human sole in such a way that tears, be they happy or sad, threaten to break through ones eyes. Already I feel the music beggining to work its medice upon me. I have always maintained that music, be it classical composures or Maryilyn Manson, has a healing property all its own and that nothing, no miracle drug or prayer, can quite match it. To take something that moves you in such a way, as this piece does me, and let it course through your blood, bones, heart, and indeed your soul helps to calm and even ones emotions out and even to make the world seem more bearable. One of my requests of any future children or spouse is that when the day comes that my lifeforce has finally come to its end and it is time to retire myself, that this piece be played so that all attending my services mught have a chance to feel what I have felt and to share in its glory. To me this piece speaks of how beautiful life is and the glory that it is just to simply be alive and aware of ones self. There is also a great element of sadness in this that speaks of no matter how beautiful or glorious something like life can be it still isnt meant to last forever and that one day it will eventually fade so we should enjoy what we have while we have it. This is a way I enjoy looking at life, that its beauty is unmatched and that beauty can be felt and seen in every aspect of that life, be it in a flower, cup of coffee, another person, or a dead tree.

I want to take a moment or two and talk about people in general. No matter how horrid, how horrible, or awful the actions of a person can be I believe they still have great amounts of beauty within them and that perhaps these terrible actions are a way of countering that beauty. Be they Adolf Hitler or Sadam Hussein, there is still beauty within. I cannot help but admire other people. In Hitler, besides the killing and atrotious deeds, I saw a man who loved whis people and his heritage so much he was willing to stop at nothing to protect those ideas and preserve them. In Sadam I see a man who has a love for his people as well but that love has become so twisted and weakened that it no longer resembles what it started out to be. In life we are so quick to judge such men by their actions without considering first what they are truly doing. In my opinion it is wrong to kill another human being no matter the horridness of the crime. Now I know that seems drastic and I have heard the arguements before; "Well you'd kill someone if they came in and killed your entire family wouldnt you?" The answer is simply and honestly "I do not know", I do know that I would feel like I wanted to kill them but as to whether I would or not? Well that can only be seen if that situation ever arises but I would like to believe that, even though I would want to, I could never bring myself to depribe another person of the most precious gift that is life. To me there is nothing more precious, more dear, more beautiful, or more simplistic than life and to live. It is unique and it is given to us, and no person has a right to take that gift from another person. I think of murder as theft, becuase if life is truly a "gift" then to murder someone is to steal that "gift", to take it from someone. Be it in self defense, in war, or any other possible situation it is still the theft of life and it is plain and simple murder. The only possible murder that can ever be said to be correct is Suicide, because you are stealing from only yourself. Arugeably though you are stealing from those who love and carea bout you because they have come to rely upon your gift and have intwound it with their own.

It seems, now that I feel a bit better, and i think it is the combination of having writter, having created thoughts and ideas then shared them alogn with the beauty of this soul moving music. Today was one of my better days too. Today Angel and I went for a walk around some local lakes and talked and enjoyed one another company. It is days like this when the sun is shining, the water is cool and reflective, I have a wonderful friend who happens to be a gorgeous woman beside me keeping me company that I cant help but wonder if perhaps life is nothing but a massive picture. Angel and I walked and talked for nearly four hours today. We sat upon a park bench and sat comfortably in one another arms and simply admired the beauty of the day. It is a pitty that more people cannot seem to reach this level of simplistic happiness where they can sit in one anothers embrace and just enjoy the feel and presence of the other and the joy that can bring without ever giving a thought to more complex things such as romance, love, sex, lust, or other various complex forms of this simplistic joy that is a person whom you care deeply for being near and sharing in the bright light of their life and in turn letting them share in yours. I wish and hope one day that Sunshine, and another friend whom I shall call The Star, will read this and truly know what goes through my mind and know that I am so much more than I am capable of letting them see. Also for Private Jackass I hope that you get something from all this.

Yours in Life

SVS

Through the Forests of Depression, Mountains of Misery, and Oceans of Hate the Journey along the Path of RIghteousness Continues.

My Angel was most gratified to read my previous posts about her which made me miss her absence all the more. But now is the time to test the strength of our friendship because we are both on the apex of our lives, a place where we are both have a lot to do in a limited amount of time and only the strength of true friendship can hope to bind us. I feel rather poetic tonight, mainly because I am listening to a bit of classical music and I can feel the very notes coursing through my blood as it ranges from boiling to cooling so that I might feel the full effect of the music. Anyway I mentioned I miss Angel, and I cannot begin to describe to you how awkward it is to miss someone that is not but a 10 minutes journay away by foot. I saw her today in our Wal-Mart with her mother, this is why my entry is mostly about her. There is so much I could say, both good and bad, about Angel. I could describe to you her bad luck, that she makes herself, with relationships (romantic relationships anyway) or how she tends to ignore all the bad things in life in hopes of being able to smile through it and denying herself the luxury of a good cry. But I could also describe to you her way of making those around her feel privelged to be in her company, how she brightens a room with her presence, smiles and trys to look on the bright side of everything, has a strong determentation to finish whatever she starts, to prove her mental and physical strength in anyway she can, and keeps on trying to find the perfect guy. But she is still a very good and special friend. In fact she is SUPPOSED TO BE TRYING TO HOOK ME UP WITH A MUTUAL FRIEND and I only put that in caps to remind her.

SVS

Seeing Through The Fog Along The Path

Tonight I am alive with thoughts and theories, mainly thanks to Private Jackass. The Private and I had a long, and very meaningful, conversation about life and some of the theories regaurding A.I. (Artificial Intelligence). He asked many question of me, about my opinions on things. One of his best questions reguarded God; "If A.I. is possible, or already taking/taken place then where does God fit into all this?" And immediately my mind saw the question and two possible answers and the first was rather ironic. Despite all the Privates faults and bad parts he does make a good friend and an excellent sounding board for my thoughts, theories, and ideas. When he asked that question he truly gave me a gift, I treasure questions like that and I appreciate that question a lot. Anyway on to my answer. The first possibiity is that we are to God what computers are to us. We created computers a number of years ago and since then we have made movies about computers taking over and killing us (I.E. The Matrix) or doing worse, but basically overthrowing us. Now the reason I dont believe they pose a threat, even if they had A.I., is because computer thought is based entirely on logical premises and concepts, whereas human thought is based on emotionial inspiration and aspiration to be more than what we are. The problem with computers is that they will never be able to aspire to take over the world, over-throw their masters, or anything of the kind because aspiration is a chemical process within the human brain, or perhaps its spiritual but no matter what, it is not electronic and doesnt exist within computer protocol or complex algorithms. This connects us to God in the same way becuase I have no doubt that God, either purposely or unwittingly, left out of us the possibility to overthrow his divine rule and thus leaving us, not entirely but, essentially powerless against his will. Whether we are a tool for God as computers are for us remains to be seen so our true purpose in life has yet to be revealed to us. And that is how we are to God what computers are to us. The other possible answer to the question of how God figures into technology, specifically that of A.I., is that we, in creating A.I., have actually created a whole new form of life all on its own. We usually percieve A.I. to be thinking on our levels but lets suppose that A.I. is not thinking that large and doesnt actually think outwardly but thinking inwardly. Basically what I am getting at is that in creating A.I. we would create a whole new universe, though we cant see it, and in that universe are plantes and people ect. In this way we would be the creators of any number of races and lifeforms and therefore by definition we are Gods. But do we know we are Gods? No, we wouldnt know but that doesnt mean that the people we created would find us any less important and in that we may see a parody of what God is to us. Perhaps God unwittingly created us and doesnt even know about us but that doesnt make what he did any less important to us because what matters to us is that we are alive and we are, for the most part, thankful for that life. This post brought to you thanks to Private Jackass, thank you PVT.

SVS

Lingering Thoughts Of The Roads Not Taken


I felt it necessary to write another entry tonight because there is so much on my mind these days. One of those things is regret. We all have things we wish we'd have done differently, we all have roads not taken. But as I have stated before, these entries are about me and my perceptions of the world around me and I feel like talking about my untaken roads. Like so many men in the world many of my untaken roads have to do with women. I could list any number of women I have had chances for relationships with, chances for sexual encounters, and chances for any number of other things but it is women that I see now and see their happiness that haunt me the most. This leads me to my sexual beliefs which are greatly varied. I believe one way but long for another way. A good friend of mine, we shall refer to him as Private Jackass, once told me several things about women that both made me laugh and made me want to ring his neck. You see I am a man who firmly believes in equality among all humans despite their color, race, heritage, sex, or what have you. One of the things he told me was that you (referring to me and other men of the heterosexual persuasion) should never get married to the first "chick" you have sex with (though the way he said it was far more colorful anf crude) because you have no basis for comparison. Now it seems to me that, in a relationship, you should worry more about emotional and personal conflict rather than sexual strategy so naturally this irked me a little. But it was the other thing he told me that really made me angry. He once said that when it comes to a woman interrupting the relationship of two males friends "Bro's before Ho's", of all the things people say I cannot stand stupid dumbass, piece of crap, absolutely stone-age, male schauvanistic, macho, garbage sayings like that. Personally I think anyone that spouts out that crap arent even worthy of the friends that put up with that. This was especially annoying becuase he was speaking of one of my dearest friends, we shall call her Angel, and he is not worthy of the attention she puts towards him nor is he worthy, at the moment, of any woman who looks his way. Maybe I think this way because in my mind I hold women very dear to me and I respect my female friend much more than I do my male friends. I have always held a special affinity for women in friendships and I often hold them higher than the males in my life simply because I have never had as many women lie to me as I have men nor do they act in stupid macho mannerisms.

Now that were on the subject, lets talk a little about Angel. Angel and I have been friends since about Junior year in high school and that was about 5-6 years ago, though everytime I say that it only seems like 4 years. When we first met I was very attracted to her and ill be honest, I was attracted to her because she was a tall big busted blond, hey im male and I have hormones what can I say? Anyway we developed a relationship based on friendship that lasts to this day, a friendship that I Cherish. This is probably one of my most meaningful and coveted friendships because I get so much out of it and put so much into it. It means alot to me that despite the fact that I make her angry she puts up with it and just smiles through it. I wont lie and say she never makes me angry because she does, especially some of her descisions, but I always try to remind myself that I can be over-protective and need to be supportive of her in all her endeavors. One of her endeavors is that of joining a branch of the military and I highly disagree with that descision. First of all I am not in support of any military at all because of the violent nature inherent in its use but in her case its different. As far as wars, military, and violence go I have always associated those things with men and men alone because I foolishly blame my gender for most of the violence in life. I guess I just dont want to think of my Angel in a situation where she could be hurt or killed and death is not something I deal with well. I have a need for control in life and death is simply not something I can control for her or protect her from and that bothers me. If it takes everything in life, I will find a cure for natural death and I will stop it. Anyway, she, wisely, chooses to pursue her own path in life but god does she ever worry me sometimes.

Close to me, also, is Private Jackass. Private Jackass is a private in a brach of the military, ive already stated how I feel about the military, and we have known each other since 3rd grade, thats about 14-16 years. As we have gotten older we have began to grow apart, though he denies this, and our views on life and the issues therein have become increasingly at odds. Private Jackass is one of many who are blind to the very world around him, incapable of seeing the greater scheme of things and recognizing the massive tapestry that each of us are inexplicably woven into. I have tried, for years, to open his eyes to this and still he refuses to see, I suspect he does this because to recognize his small tiny part in the universe would simply scare him too much. Among many things I prize balance above all else in life and the Private is very unbalanced, though stable. I have tried to teach him that balance must be maintained in life in order to be the most happy and content but again he prefers to be blind. He reminds me very much of men that commit a crime and go to jail for a long time then are finally released but becuase all they know is jail life, and are scared to try anything new and re-join society, they go out and commit the same or different crime in order to be sent back to jail. In this way he has created his own prison which he shall forever be trapped in and it will remain the same until the day he dies unless someone, with more strength than I, am able to open his eyes, though he will first have to want to open them. At this time I would like to state that I know some of these people will read these entries and they may recognize themselves but the point of these entries are for me to ventilate and if these people are hurt, offended, or generally wierded out then they must learn to deal with that, after all having a relationship with someone means to know and accept them for all that they are.

SVS

From The Ashes Of Fallen People Shall Rise The Truly Worthy


As I sit here and think any number of different thoughts one thing occurs to me, as horrible as it would be and terrible what this planet needs is a kind of cleansing. Honestly, if half or more of the planets total human population were to erradicated would people continue to pollute and destroy prescious resources or would there be a more profound way of thinking within humanity? In my opinion I think that certainly things such as racisim and biggottry would become outdated and atiquated ideas. I guess it all depends on the cost and the outcome. Is the price of millions of lives worth the eradication of racism, biggotry, pollution, corruption, and the start of a new world and certainly a new area. Of course there would be those who would cling to ancient ways and dying traditions but in essence I think that we are fast approaching a time when this will become our only option and perhaps maybe a consequence to other actions. Certainly we must not disscount the possibility of surviors in a world nuclear war.
But on a lighter note today has been a good day. I have recieved much needed rest and my mind feels much more clear, especially after conversing with an old friend and helping to straighten bent thoughts within my mind. I have always maintained that when one is connected, physically, mentally, or otherwise to kindred spirits then one will inevitably feel refreshed after they help to clear the mind of corruption and excess idle thoughts. I believe all people are connected in some way but when people of like minds are connected then their minds help to cleanse and heal one another, though not heal physical wounds. These are the people I search for, I know so few of them and the connections are weak since their is great distance among us. I have met only one who I have ever had a moment of clarity with. To those of you not familiar with moments of clarity, they are moments when your mind and your eyes see the world in a virgin light and the troubles and problems of life melt away to reveal happiness. I shall call this person Sunshine so as not to disclose real names. Sunshine is a very special person, she is the only person I have met with the ability to make me smile for no reason, to melt away all troubles, and to make me feel young as when the world was new. That is the type of person all people need to find, if there were more there would be far fewer wars.

SVS

Onward Towards Righteousness


Well time progresses onward today as I prepare for work at a certain well known fast-food store. But what can I say? It pays some of the bills and gives me something to do while im going to college. Dont get me wrong though, the work really does suck and the people are dreary little beings that have little to no capability to think beyond themselves to the greater universe spinning and twisting around them, but hey each to his own, right? But then again I suppose that to other people I seem rather self involved too so I guess its more of a question of perception than anything else. I often find it strange how we percieve one another, make generalizations and assumptions of one another before we even have a chance to truly communicate. However if we deny ourselves of these generalizations and assumptions then are we denying the nature of our own humanity? The real question being, is to generalize and assume before making a connection just a natural human trait or is it something we have created seperately from our true nature? Hard to say I guess and ultimately something we must each answer within ourselves.
But who am I to judge? I myself have many different relationship conflicts in life. None that I want to get into any specifics about right now, but I do promise a detailed description in the future, well nto too detailed since this is public but detailed none the less. In any case I leave you to your thoughts at hand and hope that in soem small way I have affected them and their divine paths.
Without getting into too much detail I would like to state one simple thing; It really really sucks to be lonely and alone. I have friends and people to talk to but admist all that I still feel so very alone, in some ways I like the solitude but you know what they say "To much of a good thing can be bad". Its like dying of thirst and sitting in the middle of the ocean, its more than frustrating its positively enfuriating. It would be so nice to have somone to connect with, to talk to in intimate detail without fear of being judged or having them repeat it to someone else. Whats more is that the people who have other people and screw it up with them make me so freaking pissed I practically have steam coming out of my ears. There are only one or two people from which I will listen to nonsense relationship problems. Honestly, how hard can it be? Just freaking be honest with each other, tell each other how you feel, dont cheat on one another, and have fun, thats all it takes. I often wonder if mankind deserves the great amounts of death that it recieves everyday. I think the same way about 9-11, dont get me wrong, I do feel for those people and those families but who amongst us is truly INNOCENT? I cant say that I have met one innocent person because in the end we all seem to be hiding things. On the other hand why bother thinking about it if we are all guilty? What would the point in that be? Just more questions destined to be yelled into the great black void of cyberspace I suppose.

SVS

Down The Chosen Path

At the behest of a good friend I have entered into this compliation of the great electronic machination that is Blog. But what to say, talk about, preach about? So many things to choose from and not enough words upon the brain. Perhaps myself then? Well I am 20 years old, living in the bloated behemoth that is the United States Of America in that forgotten part of the world known as Oregon. I am rather poetic and sardonic at time, like now, so you'll just have to learn to live with that so long as you are reading my words, and yes I do talk like this just not all the time. Anyway, needless to say I am a writer and a poet. Im not exactly what you'd call a Christian, as far as religion goes, because even though I do believe in the presence of a great celestial being (a god) I dont much care for it, that is to say that I believe mankind is more important than any God. Much like any human on this planet I do have problems and im sure that at times they seem like they are the most important ones in the world but ya know what? I dont give a flying f#$* whether or not you find that to be conceeded becuase in the end what is MY world if I am not in it? Dont let anyone tell you its selfish to think of yourself first becuase without you then you have no world. My personal creedo is that Knowledge comes above all else. There will be times when I write a lot or just a little and sometimes I wont write anythign at all, but thats just the way its going to be. At any rate, if you think you have the grey matter for it, come back and let your eyes and mind feast upon both conventional and un-conventional ideals, rants, and preachy words. Not to mention my personal life every once in awhile.

SVS